Been up half the night writing...I should try to play a bit of guitar then sleep...Just been listening Pyschedelic Furs while cooking up a bit of grub.
Got a bit high earlier, relief, but weather conditions have made money well tight. My man needed money to reload else both of us will be fucked - least he'll bring shit when he has it. He'd have no gear to flog and no money of his own, which would result in me having no gear, no money likewise....if he sniffs his profit again! Other people owe him tic besides but I am the only one who plays the price in more ways than one........get Mr Psycho onto them pls hon don't just take out on me (sob!). It looks pathetic and we both know that, but at least we do see.
Some stuff I drafted earlier.....
I am one fucked up bitch and an angry one at that. Nobody can judge me lest they have walked in my shoes - but they tend to as coke whores are easy targets. People who are no position to judge either have done it to me. They can shove their opinions where the sun does not shine - which is everywhere in the boring sad worlds they inhabit. Because face it - if their lives were so great why the fascination with mine? If they hate what I do why not get the hell out, as I say? If one finds my life of sleaze and dirt entertaining and doesn't judge me - that is the purpose, or one of the many purposes, of this blog. But those who claim their own little worlds are so fine, attempt to bully me into abstinence while being social drinkers (one such person being a former alkie who can now drink socially), and then can't get enough of my dirt while claiming to hate it - they can fuck off. And I've told them their guidance and patronisation is not welcome. What makes a private school educated former alcoholic superior to me because she has never 'broken the law' nor hired sexual services out? Nothing. The fact her poison is legal does not make it better - the effects of alcohol on the body are more potentially harmful than those of cocaine. So how dare she tell me she can enjoy a social drink while trying to convince me I should never sniff again recreationally? I told her where to stick that - up her 'clean' nose or any other orifice where the sun will forever fail to shine. She knows I am no longer the type who can be bullied. It is unlike me but I was close to breaking point - so I did get aggressive on the phone.
She made an implicit threat to me with law enforcement - i.e 'you are breaking the law' in her posh voice etc. I said stool pigeons, grasses - who give cops info on their friends are the scum of the earth in my view (which they are). If she grasses me for any alleged 'crimes' it will be the last thing she ever does - and she knows I associate with criminals. If you hate 'criminal scum' do not get mixed up in my shit, your need to save me from myself and the men around me might get you in trouble, right? She does not know about this world and should not fuck with it. You don't fuck with cocaine dealers or those around them. Just don't fuck with me.....or the men around me most importantly. Secondly, I told her to think before she opens her fat gob. One day she might say it to the wrong person and she might get hurt. I was not talking of myself - but had she spoke to some random stranger the way she'd spoke to me (or my friend - a stranger she never spoken to in her life - first thing she asked him was 'are you a cocaine addict?) - there'd be troub. Like, sure, she introduces me to a friend of hers and first thing I ask is 'are you an alcoholic?'. I got accused of threatening her with assault...I said I did no such thing just said not all would take it, and secondly, most importantly, accept me as I am or shut the fuck up and out of my life! She's given her apologies and sees my point, fairplay. Just giving an example of stupid prejudice created by prohibition etc
God, I wish I could relax with a bit of grass like my damned boyfriend but I can't. At least I steer clear of crack - it's obvious I'm bad enough with normal coke. Using crack cocaine 17 years ago got me into heroin, and I was addicted to that for a few years. I stay away from that now but not all poppy derived drugs or synthetic versions - when you do a lot of uppers you need to come down when your supply is out. Diazepam works a treat but it is not always here - a downer is a downer. I never really liked heroin, I am not really a downers person. People who like downers sometimes use uppers to stay awake to enjoy the 'high' from the downers - uppers people use downers either to come down or to mellow out the uppers buzz or high. Uppers and downers people find it hard to relate to each other as they are on different wavelengths - as Lou Reed so well put it (having been on both) people use heroin to 'nullify' their lives. People use uppers to enhance theirs, turn up rather than turn down. People use uppers to enter a social world - people use downers to withdraw from one. People who have been addicted to both, either at the same time or at different period relate to both and understand - I've been in both places. Those I know who either only been cocaine addicts or heroin addicts hate each other in this rotten subculture. Sectarianism rules - coke or smack junkies can be the most judgemental people going, believe or not. Cokeheads think they are better than smackheads because they do not shoot up, are cleaner and aren't notorious for disease spreading and don't look quite as much of a wreck because they sniff (or if they freebase crack at least smoke) and do not shoot. Smackheads hate cokeheads because people who do uppers get aggressive while people on downers are 'chilled' and 'non violent'. No, maybe some of you flakes are not physically violent but you can be passive aggressive, I know, I've seen you in action. So shut up! I've seen you far from chilled - I've seen you psyched out. And hey, my sniffing buddies, we are all users of hard drugs, ok? True we do not shoot and do not have open sores in our legs, but we may end up with no nasal membranes if we continue as we do. And a lot of us are as skinny as them, face it. I know decent smackheads, they are not all scum. Just as there are decent cokeheads and bad ones - violent, psychotic evil cocaine addicts (like Mr Psycho) just as there are passive aggressive lying theiving heroin addicts. Don't blame the drug but blame people who use it!
I say this - either accept me as I am (and don't say you like my potential, want to 'help' me etc - stop that shit) or get the hell out. Have me as the junkie or don't have me at all. My heart and soul have not gone unlike some addicts. I live for more than my next sniff, fix, however you choose to use your poison of choice. Not every addict lives for more than that, and I count my blessings. This blog is a safe place for me to write about being a junkie without having to bore all who know me about it. I am a writer and musician besides - there is more to me than what I put up my nose.
A male friend of mine, a former heroin addict, came over to keep me company and to watch my back out of simple concern for a mate. My man gave him no thanks, didn't buy him a beer or anything, but instead accused me of shagging him (which I have not done and have no intention of doing) and said he does not like my 'filthy smackhead' friends. I asked him are we any better, aren't we bloody drug addicts too? Besides which my friend has not done any H for 10 months - he justs drinks methadone and alcohol, strong beers. The fact we do coke and not smack does not make us inherently better - addiction is addiction. He then pointed out the state of some heroin addicts and told me I am not as fucked up as them, look at them compared with us who still have roofs over our heads, our looks etc. True, but there are levels of self abuse, as he well knows. It depends how far you take it - and the fact it that it not just the drug but how one uses it. People traditionally sniff coke rather than shoot it - people tend to shoot smack which fucks them up more.
Now, I wish to steer clear of that shit, cos I know it can fuck me up horribly - and someone said he won't let me. He's right in this case. Coke maybe nakes me more of a headcase and a mental case, mentally controls me more because I like it better being more of a natural 'uppers' person....but heroin once reduced me to a shadow. I did go back on it, then got off it when I saw it potentially dragging me back down where I was years ago. In some ways coke is more lethal for me (because I actually like it), in other ways less. I had no enjoyment as a smackhead, I did not even really like that shit. I just did it because I was addicted to it. At least I do like coke and there are perceivable benefits to the high, even if it screws me.
Til later xxxxx
3 years ago