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Friday, 22 January 2010

Death Leaves....Part II

I am in the mood for a rant about more general matters......meaning other than my rattles and personal trauma.

If you've been following you will know me and grass do not mix. Now, I am not judgemental and not in the place to be so....each to their own. I live in a glass house and cannot throw stones, and I don't want to throw them. Those who like grass/weed/resin - cannabis, can enjoy with my blessing, good luck if it relaxes you. It is cheaper than coke, and if anything I envy those who are ok chilling with a joint, if that shit does not drive them psycho as it does me.

However...it hurt for a few reasons to see my man with his head up his arse, unhappy with no coke but smoking that shit, getting off his face how he did and being so insensitive, assuming that as it helped relax him it would do me, despite me protesting.

Now my ex was the most evil, twisted man I had ever known. It makes me feel ill I ever let that jerk put his prick inside me, to be crude. I am not one to project my issues with one man onto all people who smoke grass, any more than I am to project my issues with my former smackhead friend (that awful bitch) onto all heroin users. But just as she personified the worst attributes of people on that drug, he personified the worst aspects of potheads.

The man I speak of chain smoked cannabis - but used all the cliches - that it was non addictive (he was only addicted to the tobacco), it actually cleared your chest if you 'rolled the joints correctly', does not cause psychosis, and that one could relax with 'just a spliff' if they only could chill. The jerk tried to force me to smoke it. That's why Monday's experience was so horrible, it brought it all back. Jason now knows me and that shit do not mix so he keeps it away from me - and thank God he does not touch it when he has coke, it aint really his thing. My ex - it was really his thing. He had no sense to moderate it. It did not make me quite psychotic then but I did get ill due to passively smoking it.

Psychedelic drugs - never again for me. That man was psychotic and violent with it. He nearly smothered me while on a bad trip from magic mushrooms, and while under the influence told me I deserved to be gang raped, anally, as I dressed like a tart and was 'asking for it'. The men I know now, however fucked up they are, draw the lines at sickos like him. Alex offered to take him out for me - I was tempted to take him up on his offer. Jason, however much he was horrified himself, felt the need to restrain Alex. This bunch of cokeheads I write of, however screwed up they are, have some level of decency as men. This dude had none.

Now, I am not blaming the grass. This man was a loon. But I doubt the grass helped, as he claimed it did. If anything I think it added to his syndromes of paranoia, delusion, lack of touch with reality, etc.

He spoke mystical gibberish, and he is not the only person on grass who comes out with such. He would drone on constantly about the way 'life is a dream', Eastern mystical claptrap, and the way that grass (and all psychedelic drugs) 'expand the mind', 'raise one's consciousness' etc. He was the most intense person going, and could never chill out, yet insisted the grass he smoked could chill you. It never chilled me. I could never win - one minute he claimed smoking it made me a 'happier' person. I asked how did he know that (it made me nervous rather than happy) and my giggles were a sign of bad nerves. Yet at the same time he accused me of 'laughing at him' - in which case I said stop feeding me 'death leaves' (as I have come to nickname grass - because for me it spells madness and thus death) then I would stop laughing at nothing and acting like a madwoman. But I had no choice because the fumes intoxicated the place. The only way to be rid of the leaves was to be rid of him - and thank God I was. The hell I have now is preferable to what I had then - and that should tell you something. My happy stage last summer began when I started breaking from that jerk and doing a bit of coke while partying weekends. The use of a stimulant helped me tell that idiot (who was physically and verbally violent) to fuck off, that I was my own woman and fuck whoever he wanted me to be. I had a great time when I fufilled his prophecy of leaving him for a man with a 'big bag of coke'.

I am now the coke whore he always said he was - yes, you prick, I shag men in return for grams of coke, ok? And I don't care what you think, you vile little flake.

This man's ex had a restraining order on him and his vendetta against this woman continues. Him and I no longer have contact because I took her side, having witnessed first hand the brutality of this romantic, 'deep, sensitive', new man.

But now we reach the crux of the matter -this violent, misogynistic woman beater had the nerve to call me, for slapping him back, once, after several beatings - a 'violent, class a drug addict' (bear in mind I was only doing coke at weekends then). He abused me in front of his own son......and I was driven out of my own home because I wished to protect that child (who had already witnessed his father beating his mother). He said that he wished to keep his son away from me because I was a 'drug addict'....now I never came into that child's presence while wired, I kept away. I did no coke in front of that kid.....yet his father admitted to smoking death leaves and getting twatted on them while his son was present. Poor boy admitted to me his dad had a bad temper because of the 'smoking thing' (as the sick man called it).

This man fools women into believing he is what he says he is - a romantic new age gentleman rather than the psycho he really is. One of Jason's female friends knows him and believes his hype - but she has a weakness in regards to men similiar to mine. I put her right in regards to that character. He is a sick man with a vendetta against prostitutes and women who enjoy or ever have enjoyed stimulants - I was lucky to have gotten out alive. While I am no grass (no pun intended lol) I did tell the police about my concerns, because the way he was still talking of his ex (a former amphetamine addict who had a prostitute as a friend) frightened me. I was scared for her more than me, as he'd left me behind, I had gotten out in time. She had stayed with him longer and it clearly ran deeper. God help her - he charmed another woman who was a cokehead before he met me and was still with his ex. I heard her talk of him and how lovely his romantic talk about 'light energy' sounded. If only she knew.......I worry one day the man might hurt somebody.

This idiot told me that men on coke talk 'superficial crap' while men on grass talk 'deep, romantic, spiritual things'. And you know what? He can shove the latter where the sun will never shine, good and proper.

Because for sure, men on coke have big egos. They have misogynistic tendencies, can switch, can be a bit psycho. But it is a sickness I can relate to. The sickness of men with cannabis pyschosis....I cannot relate to. I can deal with egotistical men with delusions of grandeur who simply want more women, cars, etc. Those with 'spiritual' rather than material delusions I cannot hack. Although I may have a religious/spiritual element I believe more in what I can see or touch than that I cannot - my nature makes me more that way inclined - I'm sensual rather than abstract. That's why grassheads - and their drug that makes me ill - are better away from me. Give me a fucked up man with a coke problem any day rather than one with a bloody weed problem.

2 comments:

  1. Ive smoked green virtually everday since I was 13 so Im definitely one of those that it doesnt really negatively affect. At the same time, most of my past friends who did the same are real unmotivated losers.. So I hear you..

    In general I think the equation goes:

    Weed: laidback underachieving generally likeable space cadet

    Coke: motivated egotistal asshole with delusions of grandeur

    Not for everyone but the generalisations fit I think..

    Ironically I have plenty of one and am PINING for the other

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  2. I think the generalisations are pretty apt...at least with people I know! To be honest I suspected my ex did coke as well....because he had such an obsession with it while saying he hated it, just liked weed etc..but had an ego problem unusual for weedheads, unlike the guy I was with before who was just a laidback underachieving spacey type as you say, I found him a pain at times not being on that level. The thing is if the two are combined.....then you get the elements of both, which fits the man I spoke of.

    One or the other is easier to deal with...but seeing as it is more my thing I suppose I find cokeheads easier to relate to than potheads. I used to do weed with coke when I was younger, and I can sometimes still hack weed if I have a bit of coke, but not without it. I don't like getting drunk without coke...but it doesn't make me psycho like weed tends to.

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