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Monday, 18 January 2010

Death Leaves.......

I feel like a total dirtbag. NEVER will I touch marujuana again when my head is fucked up like this, and anyone who wants to smoke it here will have to open the window.

Now I may not like being straight, but an alterted state of consciousness I dislike is worse. There are times I've smoked it before for want of any other mood altering substance - and I've thought - what the fuck am I doing? When my head is ok I can handle it, but not at times like this, not when I am as screwed up as I am. I've tried to come to terms with things, taking the downs with the ups, but people around me do not always help if they are insensitive.

This is my only place where I am safe to air this. Now somebody knows about it. I told him it is safe, nobody knows who I am etc, and it is not 'all about him'.

I am skint as usual, after having worked to pay back someone else, there is still a drought so I still couldn't have what I want. Hoping something today will give then maybe I can have something to relieve the misery of my rotten existence.

I wish people would listen to me when I say that smoking a spliff when I am in this state makes me worse and not better - at least now somebody has seen the result. It couldn't be nice to see me freak out like I did in a fit of paranoia, feeling tired but at the same time unable to sleep. Hyperactive I always am, but not psychotic. Ask me why I can handle coke (in the sense of it not making me go all psycho and freak like that) and not marujuana - God knows, but I am not the only person I know who is like this. Different things work differently for different people.

When people don't listen to me about smoking that shit I feel it is a symptom of something bigger - I aint being heard full stop. Then they wonder why I need a place like this to air my issues. I spoke to nobody for months til I could take no more, I get told my problems are not real, count for nothing etc........

Perhaps it is easy for nobody, and feigning indifference, making out everything is fine is a way of coping for some people. I can do it sometimes but not when things have got this low. It reaches a point where something has to give.

My psycho ex tried to ram marujuana down my throat.......bullied me to try and make me smoke it when I insisted I did not like it....apparently he could read my mind and told me I did like it! Horrible nasty sicko. Episodes like this bring all that back - I want it gone.

Just thought it would be rather ironic had I actually had a psychotic breakdown from cannabis, considering all else I do....fortunately I only had two drags, along with passively breathing what was in the room...next time the windows will be open so I will not have to breathe it in and get ill as a result. That stuff is a cunt for me....it makes me feel bad physically as well as mentally. If my evening did not end in total tears and despair (yet again) it came close. I'm getting sick of this happening.....and if I was taken seriously for a change, instead of people thinking it is just one big joke, this would become a less frequent occurence. I have my needs as a human being like anyone else, and my needs go beyond that of dust. How often must I spell this out?

2 comments:

  1. I realise it's pot (ha!) and kettle here, but you're definetly better off the joints. My last admission to a psych ward was due, in part, to smoking and eating it. I found it strange that the doctors and nurses there didn't see my codeine dependancy as a significant problem, just the dope. Guess it proves it can affect people in different ways. I know a few people who can smoke that stuff night and day with no issues......and they drive and operate heavy machinery! x

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  2. Indeed I am.......I was actually scared earlier on today that I was going to lose the plot totally, and it's unusual for that feeling to continue til the next day. Smoking joints is dicey indeed for me - sometimes, if my mental state isn't too bad, it's been ok, but if I'm in a negative frame of mind with things troubling me it's far from ok.....so best I steer clear full stop as I can never be sure.

    Weird how it affects people so differently, I've known people who can smoke it non stop with no issues too, so God knows why it fucks me up so (and sometimes you as well). Perhaps the docs didn't see the codeine dependency as a problem because it isn't the kind of drug that excacerbates psychosis like that. Fortunately my friend brought round a couple of benzos tonight which calmed me down, and a couple of drinks helped as well, so the episode is over thank God xx

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