I am hanging on the edge. This song summarises my recent feelings about this whole situation.
I don't care what anyone says - men are products of their environment, besides genetics. Hang with the brutes and you'll be a brute. Most, if not all men on this planet, have elements of misogyny. Male sexuality is generally more predatory, dominant than women's. While their are exceptions to this general rule, and I mean no offence to the men who do not fit this mould most do.
Men who do a lot of coke are the bloody worst for treating women crap and as sex objects, along with having the classic male ego problems to an extreme unimaginable to anyone who has not hung out with them.
Now, I've had good times with some of these guys. Cocaine increases women's as well as men's sex drives, the trouble is that men on occasion have the problem of erectile dysfunction after excessive use. Yet these same men who at times cannot even get it up truly seem to believe that they are God's gift to women due to their damn powder as well as sexual irresistability. Women on the stuff sometimes feed it due to catfights which appear to be over the men but probably has more to do with their bags of dust.
I've done coke with men before, but this has been the first time I have ever hung out with cokeheads persistently. These guys had their attraction, at first they seemed the life of the party, exciting, funny and with the element of danger added that myself and many other women find attractive.
But there is a dark side to them. Sexual deviancy of a predatory nature is common among them, and they must dominate rather than submit. They often speak of women as objects. Alone they can be fine, but in front of their mates they show off by speaking to 'their' women like dirt. Being sexually submissive coke makes me more so, while the men become more dominant - a match made in heaven (or hell).
But being submissive doesn't mean I enjoy abuse, which men don't always get. My current partner appeared ideal in the beginning, a man who could take control without being abusive. But he knows his behaviour lately has been shit - due to the influence not only of a sick buddy of his but also the fact he feels crap because he has no money to get any more C. I feel crap for the same reason, and our finances are indeed desperate. But he takes it out on me, not vice versa. As he has no C to sell I am supporting him, besides giving him what I owe for the shit I sniffed with him at Xmas. I try my best, and why I allow a man to do this to me I don't fully understand myself, although one of my earlier posts explained the issues.
There is another side to this man, a very sweet side, he can be the most affectionate and sweet man in the world when he wishes. But doing as he does, choosing to hang out with violent men who are into guns and shit has it's affect. He told me earlier he is a 'product of his environment'. He is, I agree.
Men use their coke as a weapon, at times mightier than any prick or any fist. I have been asked by cokeheads (my man's mates, among a few other men of my accquaintance) to 'suck their cocks' in return for a few lines. I have refused, but not all women will if they are desperate for a line. These men would not ask otherwise if no women were prepared to oblige. I may be a bloody whore but I am not a cheap one. I may have shagged men for their drugs but not for one or two stupid lines. And there is no need for brutishness, they know that the shit makes women more willing anyway, were they to be decent they might get what they want and more, as a friend put it to me. Being brutes or being mean ultimately does not pay, and everyone's night ends in tears. I can think of one such episode with one man who is no longer welcome in my presence.
Now, coke has at times made me act like an animal, but are the men decent everyone gets what they want and everyone has a good time. I have had threesomes with my partner and a few of his friends and had a good time when they've been decent, all has been consensual (I am talking of the more decent types among them anyway, not the total sickos). Some men of his accquaintance are so sick and twisted he has at least had the sense not to bring them into my presence.
More men sell coke than women (for obvious reasons), and in our society men are normally the buyers while women are the sellers of sex anyway. Men have the goods while women lack them often, and this can be used as a weapon.
My partner is not the evil scumbag straight society may imagine him to be, and there are two sides to him. He can be very warm and affectionate and loves to hug me in bed, resting his head on my shoulder etc. But he is rarely capable of having actual intercourse without pulling my hair and calling me a 'filthy slut' simply for getting excited. I don't mind dom and sub games, I enjoy them, but I sometimes wish for more normal, affectionate sex, I don't see why it must nearly always be like that, why he cannot get excited easily without getting sexually twisted.