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Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Confusions...

Well, I got high last night for the first time in ages, was a relief. I can honestly say that my reactions vary with C - sometimes I get off on one gram, sometimes I don't get that much. I was tired last night and my reaction was mediocre - better than nothing. I can't always say if it is the quality of the gear or the state I am in at that time - sometimes it is the former, sometimes the latter as the gear might be the same. A bit like my alcoholic father saying sometimes he could get pissed out of his head on a bottle of whiskey, other times it would barely touch him.

Anyway, my boyfriend's been a shit lately. Anyone reading this probably wonders why I stay - I've decided to give things a month and see how things go, if he can sort it out. I will tell him things can't go on like this, I may be a mug but not that much of one. If he must be a bloody pimp he should be a better one and actually look out for me rather than sitting at home on his arse. Last night I had some money - and I intended not to tell him about it. I thought of finding another dealer as I assumed he had no C. Bur I wanted him to come and sit here as the previous night had been bad - I was alone here when he mistakenly assumed my friend was here. The night was cold, quiet, eerie outside and it was not nice alone here, especially when I was expected to let strangers in. I can't work well under pressure, and he's been giving it because he is 'under pressure'. So I called and told him of the money - he came over with a mate and brought a gram. I saw a guy last night who fortunately did not get nasty with me but I feared he might have for a moment. I told my boyfriend about this guy, and that if he wants something from me he must give something back. He did take the piss, demanding a cut from what I got from standing in the cold on Saturday, on top of what I owed him for C. I asked what had he done to earn it, the money was not from his ads. He said I had 'done his head in' - as if his threats on Saturday to pawn my goods had not done mine in.

He told me today he is not a 'heartless pimp' - he should stop behaving like one then, I said. Again he said it is because he is 'under pressure'. It is not right that I am expected to give him understanding while he gives me little or none, and then expects me to deliver.

I am not a total masochist (I admit to being a sexual one at times) but I do not like all these mind games, neglection, and piss takes. Was there not a different side to him, and had I not seen he still has a heart I would not stay. There is a heart there underneath that snow which I don't want him to lose like some of his mates have lost theirs.

If I must do what I do in all honesty I would rather have a man around than not - but I expect something. I want to be a partner rather than an employee, underling, it was not the deal he would be my boss. But that is how these things often turn out, I've seen it before. I just don't normally let it happen to me. Perhaps the abusive relationship I had last year prepared me to be more likely to take it than I normally would be. He has to know that I won't anymore - and I will tell him.

I know I am a mug - but emotional entanglements run deep with me. Guys only start taking the piss when they know I am in love with them. That is one of my downfalls - being too understanding, taking too much shit from someone when I am into them. He knows that and he should not play on it like this.

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