Coke Whores R Us!.......They Really Want It, But I Do Too.....
Perhaps one day this blog will become more of a happy journal and this madness be a memory....had I been writing a few months back there would have been more humour and less sadness. I know I have been writing of the dark side of men on coke, but a few months back I was laughing at their brand of madness, guys who think they are so hard, macho, can be sexually aggressive dominant etc and cannot even get it up a lot of the time (but you cannot dare say that to so many of them, I said something to that effect to the most sane of my boyfriend's mates when it was just the two of them and he said to be careful who I say that kind of thing to, you know?) At that stage I was still fascinated by these men, now it has gotten to the point where they have driven me to despair. Some of the ones who deal brag about having more than one woman on the go, and they are probably not lying.
I was nearly attacked by one coke whore for having a dealer for a boyfriend (he had rejected her, so meanwhile she shags various men for grams, and seems to have lost her soul). She had it in for me alright. I heard her say to the guy she was with that night 'buy another gram, I am begging you'. This was when these guys brought her over and she baited and provoked me in my own place til I just told her what I thought of her and to get the hell out. She went to attack me and my man stepped in between. According to him she was 'looking out for his own interests because she thought I was using him for his coke' - ummm, thought I was doing what she does for a living, using men for their coke? At least I directly ask for money or coke if I want it, I don't play games by pretending I like men when all I really want to do is scrounge their damn cocaine off them. If I do want to shag men in return for coke I am honest about it at least. The very URL of this blog says it all, as someone put it. Not everyone is so honest. A few friends said I shouldn't 'put myself down' by calling myself such names, but I have a self deprecating humour and anyway, it is in a sense descriptive even if derogatory.
My man's violent psycho mate accused me of 'using his best mate' for his coke. Another woman he knew - former coke whore turned dealer now turned crack whore - asked me if I was using him for his coke and asked more than once because she wanted to 'make sure'. Another coke whore - gay, who does rarely shag men but often pretends she will so as to obtain coke, and blackmails some of her clients - accused me of (yawn) using him for his coke.
But the joke of it all, that woman going to attack me and everything, made me think...well.......Do they really want the life I've been describing below? Bear in mind I rarely get free coke, and there have been times I've bought it for him. Yet something makes me suspect that even then they still might. A cocaine dealer for a boyfriend is a status symbol, I guess. But hell, even then is it worth all the madness? My man's level of mistrust, paranoia, is so extreme that I sometimes suspect a lot of his head games were maybe to put me and my loyalty to the test as to which one of them is more important to me. During a sick episode I shall relate later, one nasty mate of his asked me what I would rather have from my man, a line of coke or sex. I told him not to ask me such a sick question, as how would it be if the questions were reversed. I know which one he would choose. The fact there are so many people who have 'lost their souls' to the demon of addiction leads one to distrust and doubt everyone if you are caught up in that life.