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Sunday, 17 January 2010

Brink of Despair.....

I had relatively little sleep last night, as I was nursing a hangover. Some customers were supposed to come last night with both money and coke, they failed to show. I crashed out earlier last night and burned my dinner, after being awake all of the previous night. For this reason I made a late start. At least I was no longer broke with less than a pound to my name, but I don't have enough, I never have enough. I fucked up on the strip because I failed to see a car that stopped. On top of that there was the wind up on the phone when I got in.

The previous night was good at first, but it ended in tears. I am sick of so many parties ending in tears. I got high and went drinking with my friend Mary, the ex girlfriend of Alex. While we were out in the pub she decided she wanted to go back to him. Alex was at Jason's. I thought it was probably I bad idea, but I joined her for my own selfish reasons. As she walked back to an abusive situation I went with her because I wanted to see my own man, and hoped also he might have had some more coke.

It started out fine, Mary made things up with Alex and Jason said it was nice to see a relaxed, mellow, me instead of the stressed or wired out me. Sometimes I can be chilled under the influence but other times I can be talkative and wired. There was no more C but we had the synthetic stimulant that we had Monday. Things were ok til Jimmy showed up with this macho idiot who was trying to provoke a fight with Alex, as well as banging on persistently about fights in pubs. While Alex was in a calm mood and didn't rise to the bait, the idiot suceeded in stressing everyone out, including myself. Mary wanted to stay there (partly because she didn't want to leave on her own with Alex), which meant Alex wished to stay too. Mary was drunk and talkative. The guys didn't want them to stay as Jimmy sleeps in the lounge. So the three of us were asked to leave.

Jason vented his frustration on me. I asked how could he treat me like dirt when I support him, I'm his only source of income. Now, that man is capable of saying some very evil things. I felt humiliated as these things were not only hurtful there were three other people there. Mary is used to Alex being evil but she had never heard Jason say such things to me and was shocked,upset for me. I could comfort myself mildy with the knowledge he didn't mean it, never means it, but it didn't help much at the time. He said he was sorry, he always does. But then Alex is always sorry too.

Worse was that Jimmy has become a right motherfucker lately. Jason speaking to me like dirt is one thing but taking it from his mates is another. I asked Jason what I'd ever done wrong to him, Jimmy replied that I'd 'done his mate's head in'. He tried to conviscate my cellphone. Jason cooled it and gave the phone back to me, said he'd speak to me later.

I was still in bits all day, or most of the day. Mary and Alex argued again, and Alex ended hitting her. We'd both drank too much and I had no money to pay for the cab, Mary couldn't find hers. The cab driver called the cops because he thought we did not want to pay. Mary got arrested for a fight she'd been involved in earlier in the week when drinking.

While in the pub Jason and Jimmy came to meet Alex, I thought they were coming to meet him with a gram. They weren't, just coming to pick up some clothes Alex had nicked in order to flog them. I asked them if they had any gear and they had none. Jason told me to go home and sleep as I looked ill. Jimmy told me to 'fuck off' and they drove away in the sports-type car I had paid for. It is a cheap second car but that is not the point, they would not have a car if not for me. Jimmy clearly cannot stand me but does not mind my money. Fucking cheek. I told Jason later I draw the line at being spoken to like a scumbag by his mates. Even him doing it is unpleasant, but his friend, who I've helped have a car? Damn that.

I've come to a bit of an understanding with Alex, who I have so far painted pretty black. He is not totally evil, but appears to be a man whose head has severe trouble dealing with any emotions, as Jason put it. On top of this he does a lot of coke and alcohol. He seems to personify at times the worst of male characteristics.

But the thing going on with him and Mary is more mutual than I initially thought. Mary chose to see Alex the other night of her own volition, knowing what she would be walking into. I went along with it because I had my own reasons - we were in a way looking out for each other. Mary can be difficult when she's had a drink and does rub him up the wrong way at times. It's not that unlike how it is with myself and Jason - there are two sides to every story. The nature of my problems does not make me an easy person to live with.

Jason was at least glad to see that I had seen there were two sides to that, not just Mary's. And Alex saw that there was my side and not just Jason's......being a man he had too readily taken Jason's side, as being female I had taken Mary's. He heard Jason speak to me as he did, which he had not heard before. Under the influence he'd laughed at the macho bragging, jokes at my expense but maybe deep down was embarrassed about it. Even Alex could see that Jason can be horrible to me, treats me like dirt at times.

I get so confused because at times I feel my problems should not entail being treated like dirt, other times I feel it is the price to pay for them.....

But it shouldn't because, at the end of the day, those guys are no better than me. Jason is not better than me....being a drug dealer is no better than being a whore, especially when you are flat broke as he is and relying on 'immoral' earnings to load up again with shit. Perhaps self hatred is mutual.....I carry a 'disease' of self dislike that I fear might infect others who get too close. My parents would despair not so much at my addiction but more at the fact I go out with a drug dealer and am currently supporting him, giving him the money to get his business going again. As members of his family would not be impressed with me....I just get sick of competitions, arguments as to who is the more fucked up.

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