Wish I'd started this when I was high and happy. Then you would have seen a different side to all this.....the positive side.
Despite the current state of affairs the use of my favourite drug has done me good at points, what batters me is over consumption and emotional dependency on men with the goods, who use the goods over me. There has been a triangle in this whole thing, the coke is at the top, the man is beneath that and I am at the very bottom. Men who flog coke exercise power over their customers, the game is about control as much as anything else. It is sick but true.
At good points C has given me the guts to not tolerate any crap from people, such as my sicko of an ex. It has made me productive with music and writing, and simply given me a good time, as well as enhancing my sex life. It can give me intellectual bursts.
I was a heroin addict for a few years, and can tell you I wouldn't have wrote like this. Little production comes from a heavy downer that knocks you out, whereas at least an upper gives you energy to at least do something, whatever. A smackhead pal of mine was too lazy to get off his arse and sell me his sleeping pills, of which I only wanted five pounds worth but for all he knew there could have been £20. Had there been an offer of money for myself (or my mad boyfriend) we'd have been there like a shot.
The problem starts with coke when greed begins and you do not know when to stop for a while or at least slow down. Want is mistaken for need, then want becomes need when you feel like shit when you have nothing left. You feel the need to escape from the stress and worry caused by over consumption of an expensive and illegal good. This creates the want or need for more etc. A problem creeps up on you before you really become aware you have one, til it hits you in the face and there is no more denying it, although people still minimise. My boyfriend, when I have been skint and in debt to him, tells me to 'stop sniffing coke, I can't afford it' while he happily puts 5 grams a day up his nose. When I say this he tells me that 'he can afford it', or that 'he can maintain it', while I cannot. He deludes himself, because if he could he would not have violent criminals threatening to either kick his head in or kill him because he owes them money. He would not be so often lacking credits on his phone, food in his fridge, tobacco, or even fuel in his car. He would not have borrowed money from me to rescore. He would not sniff his profit, simple. He now has no coke and is relying on me as his sole source of money. He would not be screaming blue murder at me to get him money and putting me under such pressure to get it, forgetting that I feel as shitty as he does. How great it must be to be a man - selling coke being a 'man's job' and selling oneself a 'woman's job'. About time women's work was appreciated more then and not a source of ridicule for his buddies.
He can clearly not 'afford' nor 'maintain' his habit any more than I can mine, although mine has been smaller than his. He has not wanted me selling coke because he does not want me to expose myself to the violence that is a daily part of his world. But a reduction in consumption, selling only to trusted friends, loyal customers, will avoid the risk of danger from violent sickos he has not only put himself at risk but also me from. Not snorting ones own profit will avoid debt, but he cannot learn.
Greed is an easy trap to fall into because it is in the nature of the drug , the more more more thing.
3 years ago