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Sunday, 31 January 2010

Shit, Shallowness Online, Psychosis...and Some Pics..

I said I would not write about this anymore...but.....I know it is stupid, as I am giving the man too much attention, and he isn't of interest to anyone other than me really. Sorry for more negativity, it will not be forever. I did link some more upbeat videos and write some more positive, self affirming stuff....I just need to release this.

I hoped some of my former posts may have been of interest merely on the basis of relationships, sexual politics....but being selfish as he is he already thinks this blog is 'all about him', just as everything has to be all about him, him, him all the time. He is so paranoid he thinks the fact I keep this blog could put him at risk....when it is anon, nobody knows who he is (or me for that matter). He kids himself he is better than all his friends, surrounds himself with men he believes to be of lower intelligence so he can look down. I've probably done him a disservice by feeding his already inflated ego. It is clear he is not mentally a well man. He kids himself that I am crazier than he is. He may be capable of brutal rationality, coldness, which perhaps in itself is a sickness, divorcing one's head from their emotions to that extent, sacrificing a woman he once loved because he believes it to be in the interests of his 'progress'. If I have held him back, he has held me back far, far, more, and he knows it. Perhaps he distances himself because he sees what damage, chaos he has caused, and can't bear to see it......then he'd be forced to have feelings. Right now he cannot afford them.

He admitted over Christmas he'd missed me....but he 'has to make money'. I've tried and tried to help him get off his feet and he is still broke. Perhaps he'll come back and be sorry when there is nobody else left to bail him out. Being abusive has not paid off.

Just found some crap advice on a shallow wittery blog about how to get over heartache....I won't bother linking it. Like it is that simple, I can do without being addressed like a moron, with saccharine sweet pictures, and told what is only common sense. Thing is I have trouble letting go.....I have thought it has been the end with people before and it hasn't. Even when I've felt it in my gut I've been wrong sometimes. Especially with a man like that who switches from affection to rage, love to hatred in such a short space of time......he changes his mind, has done from one day to the next as to whether he wants to be with me or not, whether I am a partner or a 'friend with benefits'. I knew he was capable of being cold and ruthless....but not to me, not this much. I don't make cold, cynical, detached decisions on whether or not to fall in love with someone....he can and does. He was rich once......not now, that is partly why he is so fucked up, the desperation to get out of poverty.

But how can someone say he is still your 'friend' if he has bled you like this and the relationship has been so turbulent? It feels like all is crumbling, and he is failing to do anything to help clear the damage he left........ a friend would be supportive, not heartless, cold, callous. I just can't get over it........the pain of thinking everything was going to be fine the beginning of last week, having him be warm to me again for the first time in ages....and two days later he wanted to kill me, hated me, called me dirt. Wanted to leave me for someone else.

I can see much of his sickness is drug related....he's done way too much of that shit for too long, it's bound to have an effect......Since having been with him I know way more about the dark side to coke, and the symptoms of psychosis than I did before.....I don't want to go insane. I won't....because it always comes to a point with me when I slow down, I have more self preservation than he gives me credit for.

I admit to not wanting to grow too old.....When my time is up I want to go the way some of my relatives did - quickly of a heart attack if possible. Going by my family history and what I indulge in that is not an unlikely end......what I don't want is a slow, painful death (I'd kill myself before it came to that) to die an untimely, violent death.....the kind of end he fears he will come to. Which he will if he continues how he has been....the amount of times I've worried about having a man dead in the gutter from stab or bullet wounds if he crosses the wrong motherfucker. His delusions of grandeur already make him think he is invincible, and I know he is not as 'on top' as he believes. I have heard him say what a great man he is, destined for greatness, and I have just said 'sure, hon, you are so clever etc' to stop him being insecure, because I know a lot of it is about insecurity deep down. He doesn't really like himself, despite his claims to the opposite. Overly inflated egos belong to men who are at heart insecure. Perhaps he hates me for the reason that I can see all this, and are cleverer than he gave me credit for at the beginning. He admits he thought I was stupid when we met, a dumb dizzy blonde who was stupid for being involved with an abusive partner.....he knows now I am not stupid. But then I wonder why he wanted to go out with me.....I would not want to go out with a man I believed to be stupid. Perhaps it is because stupid people are easier to control.....and a lot of it is about control. Some people cannot fathom why an intelligent woman does what I do......I should get some highly paid job, a degree, be normal.....I am worth better than selling sex to pay for my drug use. I agree to an extent....I don't want to sell sex forever, I have my own plans, hopes, dreams, which I would like to work. But what can I do when things are so desperate and I just want quick cash? Women who sell sex are not necessarily of low intelligence as many people believe them to be........they just generally have problems, a lot of which can be related to abuse. Nor is drug use or abuse a sign of stupidity.......look at some famous addicts or users or abusers and I rest my case. I get so sick of having to explain, justify myself to people who haven't walked in my shoes....but having to explain myself to a man who claims to love me and is as fucked up as me is the icing on the whole nasty cake of people being judgemental and shallow.

I've feared coming to a bad end, like some obsessive madwoman from Fatal Attraction or a similiar movie, because it gets hard to keep a lid on my emotions. I've never been up for boiling someone's pet rabbit or anything insane like that, but I know myself to be capable of destructive feelings. Especially when I feel wronged....

It's just the injustice of it.....I have to make him see he has a problem, have to catch him when he can see reason. To cast aside a woman who was your bedrock of support last week, who you 'would not know where you would be without' - to cast her aside for someone scummy indeed. I don't care for how long he was with his former is not her who has bailed him out in recent times like I have done, she has not risked her life and liberty like I have. I don't say this because I hate her or wish her harm.....I don't know her. It is not about her but about him. He has to know what he has done and is doing. Thing is I cannot fathom him out, I still don't know if he is truly capable of this or not. He has a rotten temper and changes his mind.......the life of his ex is so far removed from anything I have been through with him it might as well be on a different planet. I don't think it is a life he truly wants, he may well just be saying it because he knows it will hurt me, dig the knife in.

I will shut up about the whole sorry affair for now.........he has already had far too much attention. He used to say he didn't like me thinking or worrying about him...when he really does, he likes the attention as it empowers his ego all the more. Although he denies being a control freak he is really.....he has to be in control, all the time. To open to anyone emotionally and to show any weakness would mean loss of control...and we can't have that, can we?

I love that jerk and hate him too, I believe deep down he likes the fact he's been written about here. That's why even if things do patch up I will write less about him on here. If I was cold and rationalise I'd do the right thing and walk away from this mess....but I am neither cold nor rational. He has humiliated me because I have let that makes me ashamed. I can see why that may disgust him sometimes, the fact I have allowed myself to be debased....but it is not all my fault as he claims. If he really hates to see women debase themselves....he shouldn't play games that encourage them to do it, he wouldn't get off on videos of it if he really hated it so much.....

He once said about desperate, delusional men going to desperate lengths to maintain their delusions.....and the scary thing was he did not know he was speaking of himself.

Amy Winehouse 'Back To Black'

'RIP heart of Amy Winehouse'....RIP mine as well.

The Cardigans - Lovefool (Live London 1996)

Sad song....always loved it.....not a nice place to be though. At least I am not the only one who has felt like this x

The Cardigans - My Favourite Game [Uncensored]

The Shirelles - Unlucky

That's me!


Thank you indeed, you were 'blind with other things on your mind'!

This is a very long post....but I have had to get this out of my system. It will be the last post devoted to him...and he already things this blog is 'all about him', like everything else is all about him, always about him, never about me or 'us' even....the most selfish man I have been out with. He cannot see this, his facilties for self reflection are almost non existent at present and there are few means of communicating, letting him know what he has done....I am hurting at the moment and there are two sides to this man.....just the dark one has taken over as far as I am concerned......

Oh God, I am hurting..........why have I given so much to someone who seems to hate me now? At least I've had the consolation of getting high. I said I'd have a day off tomorrow, but if my misery remains I will probably want to again if I earn any money. It aint easy if I am hurting.

Followers of this blog have probably noticed that I haven't said much in my last few posts about the man I've been financially supporting, and trying my damned best to emotionally support. I've given my all.....and it aint been enough. I avoided the subject because I did not know where I stood. I have to release it....I must.

Fuck it, I would never have started this stupid work had I known it would cost me a personal life....face it, not many guys would be happy with what I do. I only did it partly to 'help my nose' - as he so charmingly put it. The other reason was to help him out as he was as skint as me. He was not mean in the beginning. Now I get called a 'piece of dirt', 'filthy coke whore'....for doing only what he has encouraged me to. I now want out, I want to stop that work. It is not unrelated to the abuse he has given me - he uses what I do as a weapon against me. According to him the social stigma I get will stop any decent man from ever having me.......I should have counted myself lucky as some men would take every penny off me and be physically violent on top. He wanted to 'help me' in the beginning.....I do not enter relationships asking men to save me from myself. My ex said the same thing - not seeing I was fine as I was and did not require his 'help' -which was no help.

Those men have reduced me to feeling like dirt, nothing, an object. It is not my clients but the men in my life who have caused me to have the 'look of stone' in my eyes - hardened, cold, used. I don't want head games, lies, jealousy, verbal and mental violence....I was sick of it last year....did I ask for more? He thinks that women who are abused secretly enjoy it, are masochists....that is not true, I have not been enjoying it. It makes me need to get high to numb my emotional pain. But I cannot pass all the blame to him or the man before is something in me as well. Agreeing to do that work, suggesting it, was a big mistake. I should have continued in the phone sex work, and if I ever got a request for a meeting limited it to once or twice a week....if at all!

Darling little Jason now claims he wishes to go straight and return to his ex wife, be a 'family guy' again, be normal. He doesn't seem to care about the train wreck he leaves behind if he returns to the angel in the house who he's put on a pedestal to hurt me, play with my head......damn it all to hell. I am now stuck in a job he has made me hate. Well, if he truly means every word of that he can at least compensate me by giving me his former business and contacts.....he owes at least something to the girl whose so called 'precious heart' is breaking and turning into stone. Being normal, straight is not at present an option to me....and I never want to be completely straight. Losing one of the loves of my life is rotten enough....I want to keep the other, I want to keep my fucking loser dust. Despite the fact it costs me it at least gives me something makes me feel good. All he has given me lately is pain, and I've given him everything I can. Not enough - I asked what more can I do, what more does he want? A million pounds and a yacht, he said. That man's love of money is turning him into a monster.

It is tragic in a way, and this is a requiem for a dream. I am growing cold, no emotion. I have been asked to fade quietly, as if. A man cannot take everything and leave me with nothing - especially when he's had the nerve to rely on me financially. He did not ask the angel in the house for any money to bail him out - he asked the 'piece of dirt', the 'coke whore'. The 'piece of dirt' obliged.

The fact is I do not hate selling sex in and of may not be ideal fun, but it pays and is a means to end. On good days it is easy money.....him and his fucking mates say they would do it were there a market for women buying sex....why am I condemned for doing what they say they would do if they could? I've been subject to the sneers of my smackhead mate for being a 'filthy whore'....I don't care for what she thinks, her who hates whores because she is jealous, she would like the money for her stinking smack habit if she only had the guts.....but the condemnation of a man who once claimed to love me is too much. I have not been willing to do this at the expense of my personal life......but according to him all I care about is powdering my nose, I am vicious, manipulative, a predatory parasitic woman only out to use men (including him) for what I can get out of them. I would ditch him immediately if I found a man with more gear....everything about me, my hopes, dreams, can be reduced to bags of coke. Maybe I should become like ex said it about me as well. True, I like to get high....why does that make me a foul person and a dirtbag by nature? If anything it's the opposite, I like to go up or down because I am very emotional, I feel too much. But my loser dust may be all I have left which case I'll cling onto it, I have nothing left to lose.

Being stuck in this job may make a happy ending unlikely. Not that if he is truly going I will want another man right away....I will need some time alone to reflect. I came accross him at the same time I was breaking from my was probably too soon. I loved him, for ages I had not a bad word to say about him......I kept mum, spoke to nobody because I believed it was me with the problem, not him. I now see there are two sides to it, and it is not fair I shoulder all the blame. How could a man with a bigger habit than me 'help me' overcome addictive tendencies, especially when he was so generous in the beginning, throwing dust at me like there was no tomorrow in that little white honeymoon? It is unjust saying he must keep away from me because he wants to 'progress' and I 'hold him back' and his efforts to help me were in vain? It is not right. I did so much for that man.......I let him use my place as a stash spot, I took so many risks, I gave so much....and this is my thanks. I allowed men in my home who subjected me to abuse, he did not seem to care.

I have done my best to make allowances, telling myself what I do can't be easy for him....and I know that he lives a stressful turbulent life. I know he has issues with money, debts, some of which are to criminals. I know I go on and talk too much.....but this is my only crime. How can I be upbeat, positive, keep giving all, being emotionally supportive while I myself have problems? Why am I expected to be understanding, patient etc with his problems while he has no understanding or patience with mine? And does he not realise he has given me problems I did not have before? He once recognised my habit increased since he knew me..........and I told him not to worry, it was my choice, my responsibility to go on that little bender. I have suffered in silence and despair, waiting on him while he is out with his boys, crying, rattling alone. He has brought aggressive men into my life I did not invite there. I have gone to endless lengths to prove I am not out to stab him in the back, and to prove my 'loyalty'....I still get told I only care for my dust.

The thing is....I do not hate myself for doing drugs...he does hate himself for that reason. He hankers after normality sometimes while I make no pretence to...and deep down he does not want normality either. He admits it when he is honest, but he is not always honest. If he feels like dirt why the need to project it on me? These are rhetorical questions....I know the answers. It is easy to be one's mirror, especially if it is covered in fucking dust. I am not one of those addicts who claims to hate drugs, that they are evil, claiming they have 'ruined my life' as if I had no choice in the matter! I admit to taking drugs because I like them - not because they have 'got me'. If I am weak and let substances control me....the issue is my psychological state, not the fault of the drugs. It is true they are not for people who are slaves to one's desires, and I at times can be. But not all the time, I've used before without the need for a permanent bender....I use drugs because I choose do, they have done me good as well as harm, inspiring me at times to be creative. Uppers are more conducive to productivity than downers....which is why I don't like downers on their own, including alcohol. Downers may relax me but they fuck up my writing, guitar playing because I nod off. While drugs may have brought out the worst in me at times they have also brought out the best....something he cannot get. He cannot get my lack of repentance, if I was a repentant whore, repentant junkie it would be different.

I accept the fact I will always need to medicate, self or otherwise. I don't feel right otherwise....I feel more myself, better with drugs than without...the only way around this is to eventually be able to simply relax in the weekdays with tablets, do a gram once a week and a couple weekends. But before I reach this stage I must get over my emotional grief, this rotten feeling. If getting over it means a bit of a bender so be is my way of dealing with things.

I suspect he may be lying about wishing to go straight, as he has lied to me before. He said he would not give me his contacts as there is not much work.....if he really wants to give it all up what would be the problem in giving them to me? I'll pull him on this. I am not as dumb as he thinks. If he only loved my 'potential' he can rot.....I said many times I want to be loved as I am, he said he did. My ex loved me for my potential as well. They can't make me over, my identity is one thing I will not sacrifice for any man. They can take everything else....but not that. He once suggested I give up my junkie rock chick/groupie imagine and turn myself over to look like a porn star/Barbie doll because he likes it better and so would customers.....I refused. This man has clearly kept a track record of my alleged wrongs. His generosity with gear and all has not been forgotten, he made sure I would pay, and pay I have in more ways than one. I have paid emotionally as well as financially, but not enough, whatever I give is never enough, my soul is would not be enough. He would not seriously hurt me.....but he has threatened to. I don't believe him so you need not fear, knowing him as I do I recognise it to be just talk.

I am an 'emotional leech' who drains him, sucks him dry, a 'deadweight' around his neck, a predatory woman who was only ever after him for what I could get out of him.....despite the fact I have given more than I have ever received from him. Allegedly, women prior to me had 'used him for what they could get' and had 'cost him money' - and I am the one who has to pay for their real or alleged crimes, it seems. If he really wanted a victim why didn't he pick somebody who actually deserved it, a woman who truly was predatory, manipulative, cold etc? Perhaps because such a woman would not allow herself to be treated this way....

I hate being in the victim role sucks and it is not one I consciously choose, I just seem to fall into it, as do a lot of women who get involved time and time again with men who become abusive. I accept my responsibility - I know he has only done what I have let him. But I refuse to take 100% of the blame for all that has gone wrong in this relationship....which is only a relationship when he feels like it anyway, being the kind of man who can only have a relationship if it is all on his terms. He has played with my head this way something rotten.....when he is in a good mood he has been my boyfriend a bad mood he has been a 'single man' and a 'free agent'. He complained recently of having all the 'disadvantages of a relationship without the advantages' when I dared to complain about being treated like scum. I told him my friends are not impressed having witnessed how he treats me.....he said he doesn't care and does what the hell he likes. I am asked not to 'paint him black into something he is not, to portray him a being a bastard when he is really a nice man'........I only tell the truth, I make nothing up and do not claim to be perfect myself. I have my limits. If he has to be a scumbag I must face the sad truth that I may be better without him, and his bloody ex is welcome to him, if anything she deserves my pity rather than my jealousy and hatred.

The truth is he has wanted the benefits of a relationship without the disadvantages....which is asking for the impossible, no man can have his cake and eat it but a lot of them seem to want who are inclined that way must learn that women are more clued up than that these days and will not take it, I already have accepted too much...brushed it off with a smile when he called me 'his property' once, assuming he was joking although he had a straight face, and have had to deal with him 'joking' about selling me to his friends or to other men, like I am an object to be discarded at whim. I don't care if he is is not funny in the slightest.

If he thinks we are 'friends'....I cannot be his friend. It will hurt me to even see him after all that's happened.....and besides, my friends do not go through my phone and delete numbers they do not wish me to have - such as the numbers of guys who have what he has so I have no other way to obtain what I want but through him so I remain dependent. I do not support my friends financially nor cut them spare sets of keys each to my apartment....I did this because I thought we were together. If he is such a good 'friend' he can let me keep on loan the phone he gave me til I replace my own. I believed it was his mate Alex who stole my old sim card....I now suspect it was him. I fell out with his mate Jimmy because I had been 'stressing' poor Jason....I patched things with him only to again this evening stir things because my man or ex man could not face me alone, had to hide behind his mate. I told him to come here alone to give me an explantion, he will, as it aint his mate's problem. He has his mate for support because he is 'not well' and 'stressed...I have to live in the place he turned into a dumping ground for his excess belongings on my own. I am unwell and stressed...there is nobody to catch me. I have nobody but myself to fall back on, and he knows that.

It is fine him lecturing me to be 'stronger within' when I don't have the people he has to fall back on. I have friends, but they have their own problems, and my family are screwed up. I have an idea of what it is he has that commands loyalty, and it is something that may not always be relied upon. I am atomised and he knew that. He says he cannot deal with my 'negativity' ex did not like my alleged 'negativity' I am supposed to happy and positive in the face of all this? He, on the other hand, is a 'happy and likeable man' and he only acts like a monster now because I am an evil bitch who has made him into one. I know it is not true, my friends who know and love me know it is not true....I won't believe it, I know what he is doing. It is projection again, ensuring I and only I take the blame while his behaviour is not is 'nagging' to question his behaviour. I am supposed to have taken on the role of his punchbag while at the same time being a bedrock of both emotional and financial support....I cannot do both. I may not be perfect, far from it.....but I don't deserve this. If anyone has been 'ruined' it is not him....six months ago I was having a good time, upbeat, partying, enjoying my music and getting high to have fun. I loved my life then, I had a 'lust for life' and not death. I hate the life I have been living chill and party a bit with a couple of mates last night was a break from the storm, it has been a refreshing break when the man I fell in love with re-emerges and spends some time with me too....but those times have become fewer and further between. I may have to face the fact they may not exist at all for much longer.....if indeed ever again. He might have gone, Mr Hyde may have replaced Dr Jekyll for which case I will have to grieve, for the second time in the space of eight months, for the loss of an illusion, for the loss of a man who never truly existed. It is too much........

It may be over, if there ever was anything, if he ever had any true affection for me, which at the time I did not doubt....any more than I doubted his professed fears about getting too close to anyone lest he got hurt, and anyway his financial problems meant he could not get 'starry eyed' for anybody. He did not 'fall in love with me' because to his own admittance he did not allow himself to, used his 'cut off switch'.....although he did at the same time 'love me to bits'. A confused fucked up man who I felt for and still do, even as the good side of him dissapears and fades.........while I take the blame for making it dissapear, through no crime I can put my finger on. It is easy to fall into the trap of believing I have done something wrong, as he wants me to think, but according to him it is 'my persona', just who I am in general, I have a 'horrible effect' on everyone I come in contact with and 'everyone hates me' etc. The only people who seem to hate me so are abusive misogynistic men.....nobody else 'hates' me with such a passion. My ex said that everyone who came in contact with me 'knew I was insane'. Verbal and mental abuse hurt times I'd prefer it if they just hit me and got it over with. Mental scars fade less quickly than physical.....

The sexual role play dom sub games.......Jason could be genuinely affectionate with me, but when it came to actual sex he could only seem to get excited by pulling my hair and calling me names like a filthy slut. He insisted that he did not mean it, that it was only a game and I must never believe he truly meant it. I now suspect he did mean it all the time, that enjoying sex, in his view, did make me a 'filthy slut'. I don't like it when those kind of games turn into actual, real abuse. I told him once that maybe there should be a code word, as sometimes I never knew what he meant and did not mean, what was for real and what was a game. I told him that if it was all a game I wanted it to stop, he responded that it would only stop when he wanted it to. This is the man who I was praising six months ago for helping me leave an abusive relationship. I can blame myself, blame it on the work, money, drugs etc. But I think it goes deeper, something that he doesn't want to see. He can't see how angry he is, specifically towards women. He gets off on porn that involves women being humiliated and used, and he cannot allow a woman to get on top because it makes him feel 'less of a man' and because he likes to be in control and dominate.

I am submissive and confess my attraction to men who are dominate with streaks of danger and perhaps even misogyny, and get excited by dom/sub games. Somebody told me this is a valid form of sexuality......but a dangerous one. Too right it is dangerous. It can be so than any drug (with the exception of perhaps excessive use of crack or smack). I won't let it kill me, my element of self preservation is too strong, but in a strange way self preservation can be tied in with self destruction. I have unhealthy, parasitic relationships with men.....but I've never known any different. I am not attracted to 'nice' men......I find them boring. So in a sense I do make my bed, I do 'ask for it' and set myself up for it, as he is oh so keen to remind me. But when it gets like this I hate it.......and an abusive man wanting the relationship to end, despite other people saying I would be better without him in my life, is the icing on the cake, it feels like a final slap in the face adding insult to injury. This is what people don't always is more than fear which keeps women in abusive relationships. Perhaps after having invested so much in a relationship and having suffered so much, it is hard to accept you may have lost. After making so many sacrifices, especially if someone has cost you financially as well as emotionally. Men who are inclined to be abusive play games that involve making women degrade or debase themselves.....then claim they despise women for going along with it! Yet the price for not playing it would be witholding money, sex, affection, drugs, whatever it be....damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I've wondered if men like this can ever change, as being abusive is not a part of one's character but a behaviour one can stop if they want.....but they don't change often because it is not in their immediate interest to do so. Men gain some things from behaving why should they change? There is not much motivation to really.

All this spiralled over something so mundane and pathetic.....we had a nice evening at the beginning of the week, I thought everything was alright. A night later he left after he got the money he needed.....he used to almost live here, told me he was 'coming home' when I called him while out drinking with the lads. I paid for our gear, out of my earnings....that night he left me with one gram and caned three on his own. When I questioned him he said it was 'his money' - it wouldn't have been his money if not for my good nature. I called his work phone and a woman answered. I was not nasty....I just questioned why she had his phone. It turned out there was a business deal with her.....but she still should not have had that phone anyway, if anyone was to take those calls it should have been me, I've been involved in that shit deal for longer and was supposed to be his girlfriend....she went all neurotic and said it was not her job to answer his phone, and she was not feeling right about the deal anyway. I told her neither was I. She said she was not involved in it because she wanted my man, she just wanted work. I said fair enough....but she had to tell him I'd had a go at her, spoke threateningly etc. I don't know exactly what she said but I want to know....because I got in the shit. He screamed blue murder at me on the phone, saying he hates me, wishes I was dead, I am a piece of dirt who he hates the sight, smell, sound, look of......and his business was ruined thanks to me. I was reduced to pleading with him for compassion.....he frightened me. It has been the second time in a year I have grown afraid of a man I loved and once claimed to love is a rotten place to find myself in again.

Things then spiralled when a former friend of his decided to get involved.....and it all got mad, nasty. I was told I needed protecting from the man who once claimed to want to protect me.....from the potential abuse of other men.

I managed to reason with Jason eventually, and I gave myself a false sense of security when he was nice to me and promised to come over for a talk and some time, asked me for a hug, said he was sorry etc. He wasn't for seems the fact he had a bad day today meant I was again on the scrap. He should have made that clear...bloody telling me today we have 'nothing to talk about' alone. We are not 'friends', whatever it is we are we are not that. My friends do not hurt me like this....Earlier on he decided to bait me by talking flirtasiously with a woman on the phone......who I suspect was the same one I spoke with. He has flirted with other women in front of me before....the man who gets jealous if I have male friends over, and thinks me even talking to another man means I must want to shag him, who has questioned me about whether or not I ever get any enjoyment from clients.....and if I ever do would it make me unfaithful etc. He is coming over in the morning and I am demanding an explanation, the one which so far has not been forthcoming...he bottled out tonight but cannot do so forever...I won't let him do this to me. He has a nice, reasonable, side........I want to appeal to his remnants of humanity, do so not in the grovelling, tearful way that makes him despise me all the more but in the calm, reasoned manner that makes him listen.

I hope some people understand how difficult this is for me, and why walking away and taking it on the chin, or as I would a failed investment, is not as simple as it sounds. Those who have followed this blog would see I have not painted him as a total monster.....most of my posts concerning him have been analysing, figuring out why he does it etc. I've heard it is not uncommon for women to do this. It does not mean abused women are stupid, as abusive men like to think and often say. If anything it can be the opposite, being relatively intelligent will make you more likely to over analyse and give you more patience than you would have if you did not think so much. I would say some of the conclusions I have come to have some genuine insight into the dynamics of it, which has partly been why I written it, besides the purpose of offloading. But there is a downside...analysing can also make you more likely to make allowances and be forgiving, too forgiving.

He told me last Monday that I was the only person he could rely on totally (not the ex who he now claims to want to return to) and could not express how much he appreciated me, he said in such a nice way and it gave me such a sense of security thinking everything would be allright. The following day I was a 'piece of dirt' who he despised, hated, loathed and who he felt he could kill. I have gone from being his bedrock of support to being the scarlet woman who is responsible for ruining him. Bear in mind that he had issues long before he met me, the same problems he faces now with money and drugs. It is just easier to blame and transfer your issues onto somebody else.....and who easier than the person who has been closest to you?

In times of honesty he's admitted it is not just me, he has been like this with all women he has had relationships with......if I truly have outlived my use and he wants to go back to the woman he was with before the changed man, the 'family guy' etc will not last long...if she has any sense she'll know that too. Soon he'll be getting high again, staying away for weeks, out with his mates, being unfaithful etc and then she'll be the one crying as I cry now. I say this out of no malice, although I confess I have mixed feelings I dont know the woman so how can I like or dislike her? He's just used her as a stick to beat me with, some unnattainable ideal I can never live up to because my past has already made me 'damaged goods'.

I just wish he'd let me be.....because we were friends once, now we cannot be. The likeable and friendly man I knew then would've remained, I would not have seen his dark side. It would have saved me a lot of pain......I didn't chase after him at the beginning, he wanted me. He used to make the first move sexually and otherwise. Once he knew he 'had me' his interest waned and he started ignoring for days unless he wanted something.....or his affection returned after a spell apart, and he would say he missed me etc. He started speaking to me like dirt when he knew I loved him, he didn't always. He said he would hurt any man who abused he is being abusive. I should never have been so weak....I should have hid my affection, wearing my heart on my sleeve gets me into so much trouble and is perceived by men as being a weakness. But I am upfront because I hate to play games, I don't want my relationships to be based on manipulation and deceit....but it seems he wants his to be. He was once desperate for sex or affection from he thinks I should be grateful if he condescends to spend one night a week with me, and is doing me a favour by shagging me. In fact, doing me a favour by gracing me with his presence even. It was once the other way round, he could not get enough of seeing me once. I haven't changed but he has. Or perhaps he was never happy with the way I was, perhaps he hoped I would become something I wasn't to please him. Perhaps my expression of my own needs as an individual is what he cannot hack and why he is so dissapointed in me. There is nothing I can put my finger on as to what exactly I have done or failed to do....and the answer could be simply the fact I have loved him. In which case it is not me with the problem....a man who is incapable of accepting or giving love has issues which only therapy can deal with. But that won't be much use if he won't admit he has a problem, and he doesn't want to admit that.

He did spend money on me in the beginning- which he has obviously since wanted back and gotten most of it back, hence his claims that the money I've spent on him to help him out of the shit is only what I owe him anyway. That was not the deal......I thought he was being kind and generous. What kind of a man, for example, takes a woman out for expensive meals at the beginning of a relationship then asks her to pay the money back when things go sour? Especially by the means I have used to obtain that money and all. He is being mean, miserly, horrible......I never knew he had this in him. His love of money is clearly outweighing his humanity and the love he once had for me, it is awful to watch a man you love being consumed by hatred, anger and greed, pure greed. If the money thing had not caused me such emotional pain as well as leaving me financially broke myself I wouldn't talk about it, but it has.

His heart does not 'belong to his ex' as he once horribly said to me - it belongs to his wallet. When he accuses me of being only in love with bags of dust he is projecting, assuming I am as shallow and as materialistic as he can sometimes be....I saw he had this tendency but it had not overtaken him the way it has now.

Where has his heart gone, and did he ever have one? I am 'selfish' now if I do not put his interests before mine all the time, if I do not surpress ALL my own emotional needs in order to cater to his. He used to tell me to think of myself, not to worry about him and think of him so much. Will he remember how it used to be?

Despite the fact he has hurt me more than anyone else has ever done, I still wish he wouldn't go. I perhaps feel a sense of injustice because under the circumstances it should be me and not him saying I want to walk away, that I want out of this fucked up situation. I should not be crying and pleading with him to stay. I have done nothing to make him hate me so, why does he hate me, what have I ever done to him? I wish he would tell me that. I hate living in fear of either a man's anger or his abandonment. In the beginning he used to plead with me to stay with him, he was deeply insecure and felt threatened that I would leave him for another man. I haven't done that, I've proved my loyalty....only to earn his hatred and contempt rather than his love. Perhaps his hatred of me is a projection of his hatred of himself....he once said looking at me is for him at times like looking in the mirror....and he dislikes what he sees, hates it at times.

I am fighting a losing battle, and being a bad loser, not being able to accept defeat and walk away.

The Miseries of Parenthood

People are often surprised - especially men - when I am honest about the fact I do not wish to have children, and don't deeply regret the fact I have none. I suspect I may even be infertile....but it does not cut me up the way it might some women. I have never gone all soppy over babies and toddlers the way I've seen some females.

This may not be 'normal' either - it goes against the grain of what society expects from women as a whole. Motherhood is still often believed to be our biological destiny, the highest thing we can aspire to etc. My ex pressured me about was the experience of that vile man - who was a crap father to the son he did have, abused me in his presence and all, that partly made me decide I never want them. In his view women who were mothers deserved respect, as bringing up a brat is hard work. It may well be....but what is so praiseworthy or inherently noble about just having sex? Which is how kids are made, after all. If shagging is noble then whores would get medals.....instead women like me are frowned upon. But women are some
times forgiven for prostitution if it is to feed their support yourself or a guy you hook up with? Unforgivable, a tart who has no kids nor wants them!

I don't give a damn about any of it. I know some parents.....and for some people parenting is as much of an escape as drugs are. Their lives revolve around their brats, they talk of little else. As if reproduction is the be all and end all, making them inherently superior. As if dropping a kid is unique to them, and their brat is better than anyone elses. Often these types subconsciously see their children as extensions of themselves....they are just as self obsessed deep down as people who are openly self centred. Talking about their brats compensates for talking about themselves, and they believe having kids makes them unselfish, selfless even. Nobody is selfless. Even those who do sometimes put others before themselves expect some return, even if it be affection, gratitude, the love of the other person, friendship etc. I know because I've done it and still do. This doesn't make me nasty or manipulative - nor does it mean I have no genuine love for my friends, don't worry about them..... I just don't kid myself that I ever give without the hope of any return, even if the return is not material.

People do live off, feed off each other - that is the nature of existence. People are social beings, no person is an island. People are sometimes held up as pedestals of self sacrifice....the prime example that springs to my mind would be Mother Teresa of Calcutta. That woman was not as much of a Saint as one assumes. She had a horrible attitude towards women who do not want children, and accused women who have ever used contraception or had an abortion as being 'incapable of love'. What rot.....anybody who knows me would tell you I am a very loving person, what a big heart I have. Face it, the Albanian dwarf received something for all her actions - the feeding of her large ego and the love of the world's rich and famous. She did fuck all to challenge the causes of the poverty that surrounded her.......openly admitted she only wished to deal with the symptoms. What place would there be for a social parasite like her in a world without poverty? She was saccharine......patronising the recipitents of her charity in such a condescending manner, banging on about what a virtue their involuntary poverty was and everything. I'm sure it was a 'virtue' they would have rather done without. Let them speak for themselves. Anyone who wants to read more about this leech should search Christopher Hitchens, I am with him on that one. Anyone who preaches that people should bring children into a life of poverty and squalor, then praises the poor souls for being 'virtuous' because their parents did not believe in contraception......what more needs to be said?

To bring children into the kind of environment I live in would be an act of cruelty. I struggle to maintain and look after myself, let alone a child. I have my problems, why do people often think I should wish to be burdened with a dependent on top of all else? I already have to deal with men who have never grown up. Parenthood is a destiny I can do without. I've seen mothers who live a life of monotony and routine - their lives revolve around getting the kids out of bed for school, ensuring you feed and dress them before they go, planning what they are having for dinner, what toys to buy them, what to do with them weekends, what time they go to bed. Then you are compensated with a bit of daytime telly, or nod out in front of the box at night in exhaustion. Another day, but not another dollar. What I wrote may be a bit of a stereotype - but I've known people like that. I get sick to death of my clients or tricks asking do I have kids, do I want them, if not why not. I get sick of people looking at me like I am a freak when I admit not wanting them. A guy last night said 'now would be the right time for me to have them, the age I am....'. No it aint....the right time for me to have kids is never. The only regret I have is my own mother, as I remember how badly she wanted grandkids, but she's resigned herself to the fact it aint gonna happen. That guy last night conceded that my arguments against myself reproducing could not really be challenged, and ended praising me for my honesty about the matter. It would be irresponsible of me to want to have children and damn the cost on the person I bring into my world. Deciding not to have children is a responsible and mature decision on my part. Immature and childlike I may be in many ways....but not in that way.

When I was younger I did want children......and in hindsight I see it was an attempt to compensate for what I perceived I lacked in myself. I was riddled with self doubt and believed parenthood to be a way of giving my life and myself some meaning, creating and making something I could look at and say...there it is, mine! I think this is the reason behind many people's desire to reproduce, their obsession with it....even if they don't admit it to even themselves. I have grown up since and come to accept myself more as who I am.....and have lost that perceived need to continue my genepool. I am glad, it is a weight off my shoulders.

Saturday, 30 January 2010

Ramones It's Not My Place In The 9 To 5 World

I love the Ramones....

Title sums up my feelings entirely......just wish I'd got a fucking band together lol!

Friday, 29 January 2010

Art, Music, Madness etc.

You know what? I tire of people telling me that I am a good writer but my subject matter is either depressing or else it romanticises sleaze and dirt.

Well, to quote someone famous - if the quality of people's lives were wonderful, then they would write about sunshine, flowers etc. You get dirt you write about it, one writes about what they know. Simple really.

Besides, why should I try to write and sing syrupy, fake stuff? Where I to try to write about sunshine, flowers etc it would be corny, totally fake and my heart would not be in it.

I have been told that I should try to write happy times I have written upbeat stuff, I don't just live and breathe negativity. But why should I try, why not just say how it is? Better that way....

A lot of what I write is angry or sad....because art for me is cathartic. If I am content I have little to get off my chest, a lot of people admit it is far harder to write happy stuff....when I do I must try and even then it aint about corny shit like sunshine and flowers.

Music is from the heart, so is poetry, literature etc. Look at blues....the root of most modern music! It aint called blues for nothing......Check out Janis Joplin, Billie Holiday etc. Funk, rock and reggae are based on blues. Most music, including classical, is associated with addiction or madness.....I know it is a cliche about creativity and madness but it seems to ring true.....I doubt a lot of the most talented artists and musicians would have created what they did without their mad made them what they were.

Not that I claim to be anything great, wishing to pump my ego etc - despite the fact I got high earlier. I used to read a lot of Freud......I wrote a few essays on psychodynamics while under the influence. I never knew he'd done a lot of coke (when it was cheap and legal) til a few years later.....explains a few things about that man's strange ideas, some of which I think may be true or partially so....others of which may have been the ravings of an eccentric. But I've always liked psychology as much as art, lit and music......
Perhaps cos I am mad and long to fathom myself out as much as others.

Ramones - I Don't Wanna Grow Up

Hey ho let's go......

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Feeling Better....

Don't like to speak too soon.....but although things are still far from ideal, I'm feeling better than I was. Had quite a pleasant relaxing evening last night for a change, got a little high etc. Hope things continue ok.......with a bit of luck business should improve and we should be back on our feet, I hope. Should try get my head around to practising some music soon, been neglecting it a bit due to my head state and lack of time, stress etc. I couldn't continue like that, feeling depressed all the time left me unmotivated to do much of anything. I'll get round to cleaning this joint up soon.....I haven't been calling it a dirthole for nothing.

Sunday, 24 January 2010


At least I've had the comfort this weekend of that little voice telling me everything is alright.......for a bit. Not as much as I'd like, and no big party, but least something gave, even if not all else is resolved.

I may be a blag artist at times....but I have a few principles left. A lot of us drug addicts, in my experience, can be spoilt brats. But it seems we've had abusive childhoods at the same time as having been spoilt materially. It strikes me that it often is the case that our parents may have gave us material things to compensate for lack of love or whatever bad treatment......the West is the best! Cocaine addiction is the perfect thing for spoilt middle class or rich brats......moreish, greed, etc. More, more, more. The way my father would punish me, save for beatings, was witholding affection or money. My parents now help me financially to make up for giving me a shit childhood....they know the sackfuls of Christmas presents, a new doll each week, was not enough to compensate for domestic violence and all the other shit. In pain...have a chocolate. Have a line, a gram, a pipe, a fix....whatever poison is yours, sweet pea.

I fuck up, they bail me out. My folks are not rich but have managed to gain a middle class lifestyle....but they are not happy. My poor mother has an alcoholic husband, a drug addict daughter and an autistic son. I won't go on about their issues...but they have one fucked relationship.

My conscience troubled me earlier in the I borrowed 2 grand off my folks with the intention of paying a debt. I had just began to develop a lust for white dust when I lied to myself as well as them that the debt was such a I am in more debt and again given them a sob story. I am a loon, but I've told my mother that I have psychosis - without saying my problems are related to drugs. She knows I've used to some extent - I have admitted that much. Maybe deep down she knows but does not wish to admit it to herself....and just feels sad that I hurt and am in the shit. She sent me cash two weeks ago....I blew it on gear. I pleaded with her today not to send me cash.......just to pay it in my landlord's account if she wants to help me clear rent arrears. I cannot be trusted with cash....I told her it is because I am mad and cannot be trusted with money. She said not to say 'mad' - just say I am 'not well'. Was I totally greedy I'd take the cash...but I know where it would go.

I know this guy whose parents gave him everything....they built him an apartment at the back of their place. He is a bad cokehead, stays up four days in a row before crashing, and has had two heart attacks when he's reached his mid thirties. He says he has to be high all the time because he does not like being himself. I know the feeling, but then who is myself? I have a better sense of identity than I used to....but feeling safe in my own skin is another issue. It's not so much these days about being unhappy being myself......but I don't know. The junkie thing is so far tied in with who I am, my image etc......'clean' will never suit me and I like drugs too much to stop them totally, and to some degree I have chosen the lifestyle. I like getting high. Question is I need to find a balance, I need to maintain. I don't want to have to go and earn by walking the streets, facing cop harrasment, having eggs thrown at me and abuse from men in cars etc. I want to look after myself, have fun while not living in misery. I was not living in misery when I was in control of my use, before it got out of hand....

My man still kids himself he can maintain, even while living off me....he cannot. Neither of us got high for a few weeks because of the drought and our money went on living expenses, and why are we in this shit anyway? Perhaps the recent shortage may make us used to using less, but we will see.

Letter to Man I Loved.....

I wrote him this email....we all have our limits. Easier if I had a heart of stone.....but I don't (yet). I dreamt last year things would be different...I have posted it here as well as in his inbox to try and make sure he sees...pray he has some humanity and compassion left in him. I've respected his boundaries, but it seems he sees ANY demands I make as being 'emotionally draining' on him. I've done so much for him...put myself at risk so much, not only from strangers (whose kindness I've had to rely on in my work) but also from his associates.....he should stop and think.

Hey, say I know you have problems. I am sorry. But so do I, and my problems are not unrelated to your own. I have been getting the fallback from yours. I know you have feelings deep down, although you sometimes appear not to. Please turn off your 'cut off switch' for a moment and find your emotions, hear me for the first time in ages. You were nice to me and cared about me once. It does not make you look more of a man by being cold and horrible to me - some may say that bullying a woman as you do me makes you look less of one.

I said over Xmas I'd missed you - you said you knew but you had to earn money. To earn money you think you must be cold, nasty, ruthless. Please do not be like that with me, pray find your heart and do not let your want for money lose you your soul and overcome all your humanity, decency, affection. Especially not your affection for others- it is a rotten altar to sacrificied on.

Please find your heart, I know you still have one somewhere (or like to think you have). You had one at the start, and I don't think the affection you showed me then was feigned......but if you continue doing this to me and are that ready to put me on the scrapheap I'll have to assume it was.....and come to terms with the fact the man I loved (and who I thought loved me and my 'precious heart' to bits, despite the fact he was not 'in love' with me) was not who I thought he which case I'll have to grieve for something that never really existed, for what was a lie on his part and an illusion on mine, grieve for the loss of a man who never existed. I don't want to have to go through this again......I went through it last year already, do I need it again?

I am stronger than you think.....a weaker person would have collapsed under the strain. People often think I must have a lot of tolerance and strength to go through what I've been and still struggle on.....but I have my limits.

I have done my best to be supportive to you through whatever it know I have always been here. I only am a stressful person to be with when you have been nasty to me or just give me no time. You see little of me these it any wonder that when I do see you I have wanted to talk? This has not been nagging but simply stating genuine concerns.

Please don't tell me there is no relationship etc because there has been when it has suited you. You did once refer to me as your girlfriend, even if you don't like using that term now. The fact that my ex treated me like dirt does not make this right two wrongs do not make a right. It strikes me (as you admitted the other day) you say anything it takes just to win. I can't take everything with a pinch of salt when I hardly see you anymore save for when you want something.

You did not 'tell me from the start' it would end like this. You did tell me what your boundaries were and I have not crossed them.

I have helped you, or tried to, in every way I can or have been able to. You seem to despise me simply for doing what you asked me to do. I think it was a mistake of me with that you think I would have done what I did if I knew this was to be the result? No way. Whatever it meant to you the thing we had was too important in my life to sacrifice for material means, I am not that shallow. I did not think you please take a step back and think for a moment of the woman you once claimed in a sense to love.

You know I have my hopes and dreams as I always have....but depression ruins my motivation as it does yours. What I have become and what I have let you do is making me depressed. I will be no good to anyone if I continue like this. Please don't say it is my neurosis and nothing to do with you......why do you think I am hurting so badly? It is not 'all in my mind'. I want to know what has happened to the man I used to know and was so fond of. I know he always had his dark side, but it had not completely overtaken him as it has done now.

You have told me I am the only one who has consistently pulled through for this the thanks I get? Have I helped you out only to earn your contempt and hatred? If so then it was a mistake. I gave you your due and more, much more, and in return you spit in my face. I have been giving, giving, and you have been giving me nothing back, just taking. It is not me who emotionally drains demands have been small. Yours have not been small on me. It feels you want everything from me and wish to give me nothing but pain, terror, loneliness, despair, frustration etc.

Now Mick spoke to you earlier simply because he saw my distress after the way you kept on speaking to me on the phone. I was sincerely worried about you when you said you were having a hard time earlier.....yet you never seem to worry about me. Mick came with me tonight because he seemed more worried about me than you were, and didn't appear to like the fact you neglect me while being supposed to protect me, that's partly why I've been helping you, so you could be there for me. You have not been. At times you seem to take pleasure in hurting me and make horrible jokes at my expense. If the situation truly is as rotten for you as for me why can we not be nice and supportive to each other?

All I've been doing lately has been a is not what I want for the rest of my life and you have known that. It has only meant to be til you and myself get on our feet....but I'll never get on my feet like this. I don't want to remain what you clearly despise me for (and I have come to hate myself for) for much longer.

I do not see men as objects to use for my own gain....but you are so distrustful of women that you think I do see men this way. At times you seem to hate women. Is this why you have, as you admit, use your cut off switch and pulled away from me on purpose when I have shown you genuine warmth and wanted you to open up to me? What have you been afraid of? You have tested my loyalty to the limit, and I've been nothing but true to you. I have done nothing wrong but love you.

I know you were shy when you were young, so was I. I had rejections as you probably did, but it does not make me hate men. But if things continue like this I may do.....and what do you say to your friends to make them hate me? Jimmy never used to speak to me like dirt.....why does he now? What have you said to him? Why must you turn everyone round you against me, while telling me I should see less of my friends? It has felt you like keeping me isolated. If your friends believe me to be something I am not then no wonder they do not want to see me. Please don't say it is my 'persona' - everyone who knows me loves me, the only people who hate me or find me intolerable seem to be you and your twisted mates. He said to me the reason I am alone a lot is because I am a nightmare to be around - this is not true and we both know that, we both know the reasons why I have been alone in this dirthole so many times.

Now I know what misogynists most of you men are I wish I had not obliged your wish for threesomes. Even though it was consensual.....I would not have consented had I known what contempt it would result in. One rule for the boys, another for the girls. It is ok for men to enjoy sex.......yet the fact I am a woman and don't hide the fact I am a sexual being and enjoy it....makes me a 'filthy slut'. It is true I have a masochistic streak, which maybe attracts me to men with an element of misogyny....but I never asked for it to go this far. I may consent to dom sub games and like an element of danger......but I have not consented to all that has gone on, things coming to this wretched stage was not the deal.

At times I feel I am nothing to you but an object of use value. Why can you not accept love and genuine affection? Why must you treat a woman who has committed no crime but to love you and be good to you with such anger and bitterness?

You have been reliant on me lately yet it is me who gets all the grief. If you wanted better for me, truly believe me to be worth better, why do you want me to do what I do still? I know things are desperate......but this does not mean I deserve all this simply because I do what you ask. To help both you and myself.....but I have not benefitted in the slightest lately.

Again.....don't lose your heart.


me xxx

Friday, 22 January 2010

Things May Get Better....

I feel a relief after near despair. While it does not solve all my woes it gets a level of the burden off my shoulders....

I managed to earn something tonight despite the grief earlier. Alex had been arrested while Jason was with him. While I could see Jason was stressed, I wanted him to come over tonight as I had no money and no food, nothing. He didn't feel like coming over, he felt not up for going anywhere. I didn't feel like going out earning and being here alone, again....but no choice if I was not to starve. I told him I cannot support a man and get nothing back, and made the same old list of complaints. The same old row resulted, which ended in him ignoring me. I tearfully phoned a mutual friend, the guy who introduced in the first place. This person knows Jason and what he can be capable of, knowing that while he is not an evil man he can be fucked up.

I decided to brave it...I swigged a couple of beers and went and earned, and I found a guy who was generous. I got £90 together, enough for some shopping and some cash left over, more than enough. I could have done more had he come over and I'd made an earlier start....but I felt too screwed up myself.

I texted him and said that I'd earnt something and had calmed down. I had enough cash for one gram of coke but not for two. He could obtain two but the guy wouldn't bother with just one....if he'd came earlier and things had been better we could have got two, could have gotten high together. I could have earnt more...but this strife isn't conducive, especially when there is this drought and I don't have the consolation of getting high for sure.....

I spent some time at a mates and obtained a diazepam. Jason was calmer, said when he is depressed he loses the motivation for everything, as do I, and we are both in the same place, broke and sad. That's also the reason for the loss of his sex drive, at least I know it aint me.....

He is 400 quid short of his rent while I am four months in arrears due to what we've put up our noses. It looks he says there are third world peasants starving. The woes of Western drug addicts look ridiculous when must be put in perspective. Drug addiction and mental illness is a Western luxury.

But maybe it shows something....over consumption may be a symptom of unhappiness, the malaise of Western capitalist culture, the internal emptiness I spoke of. Consumer culture is empty...and maybe cocaine consumption is a way to fill this void, like I said. While some people in this world are hungry and struggle to eat....I have left myself hungry so I can get high, then I have to earn in order to eat again and maintain neccessities. Perhaps eating is all the South American farmers who grow my precious coca leaves can afford to do, not having enough money to even dream of sniffing, but the leaves are always there to chew as they slog in the fields. Some of these guys are in danger of the gun too, by government death squads as well as criminals. I live in danger for different reasons, although it is related to the 'leaves of life' (as coca leaves were nicknamed in South America - can't recall if it was by the Spaniards or the natives though.

I like that drug because I ultimately like to live....but the cost of life is high. Sometimes too high.

Hopefully I should get some enhancement of live in the afternoon - if Jason's call was anything to go by I need another £40 or £50. I took a walk and tried to earn it tonight on the way back from my mates....I'd left it too late though. A timewaster stopped me so I came home....tomorrow is another day though.

Pray soon things will be like they were - he is the type of man who does withdraw when the going is rough and needs space to reflect - male condition. Meanwhile loneliness and the void is the female one - and we both lack the means to get high. At least I know it aint me....I'll tough it out. He needs me more than he admits....and we both clearly need - or want real badly - you know what. Hopefully we'll have a party when this is over....and the pressure and strife ceases....if we weren't so fucked up we might have been able to have had two grams tonight despite drought etc.

My mate is coming over tomorrow hopefully, the musician friend who introduced us...maybe having a jam and doing some music will take my mind off this shit.

Til later xxx

Death Leaves....Part II

I am in the mood for a rant about more general matters......meaning other than my rattles and personal trauma.

If you've been following you will know me and grass do not mix. Now, I am not judgemental and not in the place to be so....each to their own. I live in a glass house and cannot throw stones, and I don't want to throw them. Those who like grass/weed/resin - cannabis, can enjoy with my blessing, good luck if it relaxes you. It is cheaper than coke, and if anything I envy those who are ok chilling with a joint, if that shit does not drive them psycho as it does me. hurt for a few reasons to see my man with his head up his arse, unhappy with no coke but smoking that shit, getting off his face how he did and being so insensitive, assuming that as it helped relax him it would do me, despite me protesting.

Now my ex was the most evil, twisted man I had ever known. It makes me feel ill I ever let that jerk put his prick inside me, to be crude. I am not one to project my issues with one man onto all people who smoke grass, any more than I am to project my issues with my former smackhead friend (that awful bitch) onto all heroin users. But just as she personified the worst attributes of people on that drug, he personified the worst aspects of potheads.

The man I speak of chain smoked cannabis - but used all the cliches - that it was non addictive (he was only addicted to the tobacco), it actually cleared your chest if you 'rolled the joints correctly', does not cause psychosis, and that one could relax with 'just a spliff' if they only could chill. The jerk tried to force me to smoke it. That's why Monday's experience was so horrible, it brought it all back. Jason now knows me and that shit do not mix so he keeps it away from me - and thank God he does not touch it when he has coke, it aint really his thing. My ex - it was really his thing. He had no sense to moderate it. It did not make me quite psychotic then but I did get ill due to passively smoking it.

Psychedelic drugs - never again for me. That man was psychotic and violent with it. He nearly smothered me while on a bad trip from magic mushrooms, and while under the influence told me I deserved to be gang raped, anally, as I dressed like a tart and was 'asking for it'. The men I know now, however fucked up they are, draw the lines at sickos like him. Alex offered to take him out for me - I was tempted to take him up on his offer. Jason, however much he was horrified himself, felt the need to restrain Alex. This bunch of cokeheads I write of, however screwed up they are, have some level of decency as men. This dude had none.

Now, I am not blaming the grass. This man was a loon. But I doubt the grass helped, as he claimed it did. If anything I think it added to his syndromes of paranoia, delusion, lack of touch with reality, etc.

He spoke mystical gibberish, and he is not the only person on grass who comes out with such. He would drone on constantly about the way 'life is a dream', Eastern mystical claptrap, and the way that grass (and all psychedelic drugs) 'expand the mind', 'raise one's consciousness' etc. He was the most intense person going, and could never chill out, yet insisted the grass he smoked could chill you. It never chilled me. I could never win - one minute he claimed smoking it made me a 'happier' person. I asked how did he know that (it made me nervous rather than happy) and my giggles were a sign of bad nerves. Yet at the same time he accused me of 'laughing at him' - in which case I said stop feeding me 'death leaves' (as I have come to nickname grass - because for me it spells madness and thus death) then I would stop laughing at nothing and acting like a madwoman. But I had no choice because the fumes intoxicated the place. The only way to be rid of the leaves was to be rid of him - and thank God I was. The hell I have now is preferable to what I had then - and that should tell you something. My happy stage last summer began when I started breaking from that jerk and doing a bit of coke while partying weekends. The use of a stimulant helped me tell that idiot (who was physically and verbally violent) to fuck off, that I was my own woman and fuck whoever he wanted me to be. I had a great time when I fufilled his prophecy of leaving him for a man with a 'big bag of coke'.

I am now the coke whore he always said he was - yes, you prick, I shag men in return for grams of coke, ok? And I don't care what you think, you vile little flake.

This man's ex had a restraining order on him and his vendetta against this woman continues. Him and I no longer have contact because I took her side, having witnessed first hand the brutality of this romantic, 'deep, sensitive', new man.

But now we reach the crux of the matter -this violent, misogynistic woman beater had the nerve to call me, for slapping him back, once, after several beatings - a 'violent, class a drug addict' (bear in mind I was only doing coke at weekends then). He abused me in front of his own son......and I was driven out of my own home because I wished to protect that child (who had already witnessed his father beating his mother). He said that he wished to keep his son away from me because I was a 'drug addict' I never came into that child's presence while wired, I kept away. I did no coke in front of that kid.....yet his father admitted to smoking death leaves and getting twatted on them while his son was present. Poor boy admitted to me his dad had a bad temper because of the 'smoking thing' (as the sick man called it).

This man fools women into believing he is what he says he is - a romantic new age gentleman rather than the psycho he really is. One of Jason's female friends knows him and believes his hype - but she has a weakness in regards to men similiar to mine. I put her right in regards to that character. He is a sick man with a vendetta against prostitutes and women who enjoy or ever have enjoyed stimulants - I was lucky to have gotten out alive. While I am no grass (no pun intended lol) I did tell the police about my concerns, because the way he was still talking of his ex (a former amphetamine addict who had a prostitute as a friend) frightened me. I was scared for her more than me, as he'd left me behind, I had gotten out in time. She had stayed with him longer and it clearly ran deeper. God help her - he charmed another woman who was a cokehead before he met me and was still with his ex. I heard her talk of him and how lovely his romantic talk about 'light energy' sounded. If only she knew.......I worry one day the man might hurt somebody.

This idiot told me that men on coke talk 'superficial crap' while men on grass talk 'deep, romantic, spiritual things'. And you know what? He can shove the latter where the sun will never shine, good and proper.

Because for sure, men on coke have big egos. They have misogynistic tendencies, can switch, can be a bit psycho. But it is a sickness I can relate to. The sickness of men with cannabis pyschosis....I cannot relate to. I can deal with egotistical men with delusions of grandeur who simply want more women, cars, etc. Those with 'spiritual' rather than material delusions I cannot hack. Although I may have a religious/spiritual element I believe more in what I can see or touch than that I cannot - my nature makes me more that way inclined - I'm sensual rather than abstract. That's why grassheads - and their drug that makes me ill - are better away from me. Give me a fucked up man with a coke problem any day rather than one with a bloody weed problem.


If that stupid money deal does happen I will invest it wisely.

Even if I must continue having to get high I will never be in this scummy situation again.

This drought has stopped me having the consolation of what I want. But the money thing – desperation that is self inflicted on everyone's part – has left me feeling a cold, empty shell. Once I did not have the hard look in the eyes associated with women who sell sex. I have it now, I've seen it in the mirror and someone confirmed it last week by looking at me. I don't like it to be obvious what I am or do, but I am getting that cold, stony expression on my face. I am trying to stay sane while keeping my heart.........not easy to do both under these circumstances. Self inflicted most of it may be, but I don't think I deserve all of it. In an ideal world we could have what we wanted without being criminals in debt.....but this is not an ideal world.

I sometimes feel swallowed by the void – the dull ache I feel is turns into a stabbing pain at times. I cannot have what I need to make it go away, and I'll give anything to kill, numb it.

The carefree, highly sexed party girl of last year, who was relieved to get out of an abusive relationship and be who she wanted, is a shadow of her former self.

Somebody knows now I will be no good to him or anyone else if I wind up either dead or in the madhouse. To love something only to watch it paraphrase the 'Doll Parts' song. I find myself living that song again and again, but in this shit it is more apt than ever. Some jerks call up ask me what size exactly my boobs are, all they want to know about is what I look like. I might as well be a rubber doll. Doing that for money is not really even sex, it is so cold, it is....nothing. It's weird because I can't say I hate doing it, under reasonable circumstances the payback can be worth dealing with idiots and making a few lonely men happy. I can show genuine warmth and friendliness and compensate for what they lack elsewhere. But these are not reasonable circumstances.

The fuck up has been mutual – but I get the blame and am punished. Deep down he is hurting as much as me and macho bravado is a way of coping with it. The jokes about me being for hire are a way of making light of the rotten situation, not making light of me. I can't always see it that way when I risk my life to earn him money to stay alive plus pay his debts. And I must live myself but I am barely scraping together. He is truly sorry about the times he has been mean, and I get promised this hell will soon be over – we'll have what we want again, the pressure to earn will subside, it's the end of the month people get paid soon and droughts don't last forever either.

I can take little more. He does not want me walking the streets for money – I no longer have a choice if the phone is dead and I am penniless. I simply ask that he be there if he wants some of what I get, and I don't need pressure, being ignored as a consequence of lack of money etc. He needs emotional support but finds me unable to give it if I am stressed. I explained that being stressed, not being able to help but talk endlessly and do his head in etc is a result of intolerable conditions. His stress rubs off on me as I am a sponge who absorbs other people's feelings, good or bad. I explained if we are nice to other the situation would not be so intolerable, we are both in the same situation and it is self inflicted on both sides to an extent. He'll try to stop taking things out on me, cos I am no good to anyone when I'm ill and going out of my mind.

Feeling like a piece of dirt inside is a horrible feeling, a stain that cannot be removed. It was perhaps not right of me to take it personally, but cold sex with strangers leaves me unfufilled, I need affection to take it away. He stayed over a few times this week but didn't have the energy to go all the way with me. There were reasons, he feels fucked up....but on Monday I thought it was because of what I do, because I am dirty, I felt rejected as well as all else.

I understand he wanted some company – but last night he brought a friend of his round with him while I went out and attempted to earn. This guy was a total stranger to me. I felt ill at ease, awkward, even if he wasn't judgemental I prefer to meet people under happier conditions than that. On top of this, the guy was a weedhead. It was raining outside – the cops are out and about when it rains as there isn't much crime about then. I got pulled and had to go home. Alex had showed up with Mary as well, not really expecting to see Jason there but on the off chance I'd be in.

Everyone was stoned on weed in the lounge. I could have killed him because he hadn't opened the window as I'd at least asked, I broke down as I'd had a shit night. To find a room of people out their heads on what drives me psychotic, especially with the fumes in the lounge again.......

At least he knows now that me and that shit do not mix, I had to spell it out a second time. He is sorry, he told me deep down he is hurting, hates this situation as much as I do, hates me having to do what I do and relying on that for an income.

Why can men be so insensitive? He kept saying to his pal how great the joints were, for only a tenner you get a room of people 'fucked'. I sobbed that I was fucked but not in the way they were. I felt fucked after standing in the rain and being hassled by cops, on top of lacking drugs and money. Getting 'stoned' is not an option for me - I can only get high on hard drugs or benzos and booze or get psychotic on grass. Wish that shit could work for me but it cannot, I want to avoid the fate of death or the madhouse.

And avoid them I will, it has been hard but I will weather this storm. He has pressure to, can't be nice to be pressured for money by hard crims and watch a woman you're intimate with do what I do to keep you both alive.

What a fuck up this has turned into. If there is any lesson to this it is be careful of excess. I know I will - I just hope he can.

Thursday, 21 January 2010

Lou Reed "Walk On the Wild Side"

Another great song.....

Downtown Dirt - Lou Reed (Between Thought and Expression)

'I'm the type that fascinates.....'

'Your credit cards.....I love you for them'

'Sell your sugar.....I'm a humanitarian, I'll keep it all for myself....That way you cling, I'll stay additive...'

'Psychologically it's better I think I'm dirt.....want some dirt?'

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

HOLE Violet - Jools Holland

When they get what they want.......they never want it again....

A conversation I had with Mary earlier led us to the same conclusions....

Men are motherfuckers at times. I didn't always hate men and I don't....but I hate the ones in my life and she hates the ones in hers often.

I was going to write more but you probably will get the drift from my earlier posts on what goes on here....

I am just going mad as I need the consolation of getting high, I hope something will finally give today. The mf has my cash so he should deliver, sick of this drought. Would not be so bad if not for my own emotional grief....

'I told you from the start just how would end.....' Favourite mantra of many men. If being treated shit but being bought off with dust- not good,,....but there's no dust at present......why do I do this?

It is sad when the love of men for money or drugs overtakes the love or affection they have for the women in their lives.....when I used to be accused of using men for their drugs! The love of drugs does not overcome the affection I have for the men in my life,,,,as should be clear, I could be on my own, find my own gear,,,,cheaper than having a man to support.

A man's love for money or drugs can change him from a sympathetic lover, friend.....into....I need not spell it out xx

Monday, 18 January 2010

Death Leaves.......

I feel like a total dirtbag. NEVER will I touch marujuana again when my head is fucked up like this, and anyone who wants to smoke it here will have to open the window.

Now I may not like being straight, but an alterted state of consciousness I dislike is worse. There are times I've smoked it before for want of any other mood altering substance - and I've thought - what the fuck am I doing? When my head is ok I can handle it, but not at times like this, not when I am as screwed up as I am. I've tried to come to terms with things, taking the downs with the ups, but people around me do not always help if they are insensitive.

This is my only place where I am safe to air this. Now somebody knows about it. I told him it is safe, nobody knows who I am etc, and it is not 'all about him'.

I am skint as usual, after having worked to pay back someone else, there is still a drought so I still couldn't have what I want. Hoping something today will give then maybe I can have something to relieve the misery of my rotten existence.

I wish people would listen to me when I say that smoking a spliff when I am in this state makes me worse and not better - at least now somebody has seen the result. It couldn't be nice to see me freak out like I did in a fit of paranoia, feeling tired but at the same time unable to sleep. Hyperactive I always am, but not psychotic. Ask me why I can handle coke (in the sense of it not making me go all psycho and freak like that) and not marujuana - God knows, but I am not the only person I know who is like this. Different things work differently for different people.

When people don't listen to me about smoking that shit I feel it is a symptom of something bigger - I aint being heard full stop. Then they wonder why I need a place like this to air my issues. I spoke to nobody for months til I could take no more, I get told my problems are not real, count for nothing etc........

Perhaps it is easy for nobody, and feigning indifference, making out everything is fine is a way of coping for some people. I can do it sometimes but not when things have got this low. It reaches a point where something has to give.

My psycho ex tried to ram marujuana down my throat.......bullied me to try and make me smoke it when I insisted I did not like it....apparently he could read my mind and told me I did like it! Horrible nasty sicko. Episodes like this bring all that back - I want it gone.

Just thought it would be rather ironic had I actually had a psychotic breakdown from cannabis, considering all else I do....fortunately I only had two drags, along with passively breathing what was in the time the windows will be open so I will not have to breathe it in and get ill as a result. That stuff is a cunt for makes me feel bad physically as well as mentally. If my evening did not end in total tears and despair (yet again) it came close. I'm getting sick of this happening.....and if I was taken seriously for a change, instead of people thinking it is just one big joke, this would become a less frequent occurence. I have my needs as a human being like anyone else, and my needs go beyond that of dust. How often must I spell this out?

The Void Within

Just read Rachel Reprobate's (In Smile Out Blood) illustrations on suicide - clever and to the point. I know the feeling, and to have someone say something to that effect - you are a pain, why not simply die, is just horrible if you feel bad as it is. I have felt that way, got told such a thing the other night. The person who said it to me is sorry, but it still hurts to think of it.

I have a syndrome which I hear is more commonly a female disease. I get told that I must find what I need within myself. I have been unable to do this - partly explains my need to find it from without from men, drugs, whatever. I can be a social vampire and look to the company of others for whatever it is I need - I've been told that I feed off people, that I am parasitic in a sense.

What if you look within, as I have done, and find nothing but the void? If all you find is emptiness, that takes the form of a dull ache? An emptiness that longs to be filled. I heard this is more common with women - Courtney Love called her band 'Hole' for this reason. It's all very well for people to comment who haven't been there.

As someone put it to me, cocaine addiction is a mental dependency which is not unlike mental, emotional dependency on a person. Another person told me that in a rehab centre most of the cocaine addicts there were women, the men were mainly heroin addicts. Another factor is that people who want to be social will use cocaine rather than heroin, heroin is a solitary drug and not recreational in that sense, not a party drug. It is more common for men to wish to isolate themselves. Men deal with their issues more commonly by withdrawing.

I don't mean to generalise - of course women need time to themselves as well, it just seems not to the same degree. Pleas for space are more often heard from the male part of a couple than the female.

Having the 'void' condition as I do makes me demanding, in a sense. While being extroverted I am emotionally needy at the same time. It can at times drive people away - but it is something I feel I cannot always help. Perhaps therapy or a sympathetic shrink will help me deal with it. Going through 'treatment' for any addiction is pointless as it does not deal with the underlying issues that cause me to use in the first place - I'm not the only person who feels this way.

How can I find what I need from within if all I find when I look is this void? Not nice to feel empty.....despite all my good points, talents they do not compensate, nothing seems to fill it but the use of drugs or other people.

I sometimes feel this is why men will use coke to have power over women, rather than the other way round. Emotional dependency gives a person a lot of control, mix it with a drug that is mentally addictive and you have a dangerous brew.

Men who use a lot of coke often have an ego problem, which women can feed. Perhaps, save for some exceptions, men use it for different reasons. I have noticed that a lot of the men I speak about on this blog are very insecure, despite all the macho bravado. All the bravado is a way to compensate for feeling small, so is the mental buzz they obtain from the dependency of women both on them and their drugs. A man who has had two heart attacks when only his thirties brags of how many women he shags and how long he can last etc. He gets off on porn that involves the humiliation of women, as do a lot of these guys. There is a lot of repressed anger, which unleases itself in misogyny. Perhaps because control over women does not compensate for the lack of love these guys feel. But it is no win because insecurity leads to fear of intimacy, and they have their defence mechanisms to stop anyone getting to close. Part of it is fear of being hurt or rejected, I know. If one puts their emotional guard up they will not let anyone too close, will not obtain the love they lack........but at least they will not get hurt.

Perhaps my own tendency to attract men with these problems is my own defence mechanism, I will not get too close to someone if they do not allow me to in the first place. The problem is solved for me without me having to use these mechanisms - someone puts them in place for me.

Women cannot change men - I have no desire to change anyone. The best way to deal with these situations is to look at changing the relationship rather than changing the person. It is not the person but an unhealthy way of relating to others - part of it expresses itself in the controller and the controlled, the dominator and the dominated, etc.

While this whole thing began as a party, don't think there was no sadness here from the start. It was a party with a dark side, and an expensive party at that.

I am paying for all yesterday's parties and all tomorrow's cannot come soon enough.