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Thursday, 29 July 2010

Playing with Fire...

Hello, to let all my readers know I am still alive...I am still writing sporadically due to a lack of pc...

And readers, if he is looking at this...first and foremost...I loved him. I am damned whatever I say...first thing he would react with would be why the past tense...because you said he hates my guts and want to kill me, all I am expected to say is oh I still love you, please stay don't leave me etc....I am not well but this is too much..What began as a blog on simply a degenerate lifestyle has turned into a sorry tale about domestic violence. I am sorry hon....I never harm you. Despite your paranoia nobody knows about this blog......I aint out to stitch you up....stop all this then...if you hate me as you claim you should have let me grieve why keep coming back to twist the knife in. I have a masochistic streak always have...clear the man is a sadist. It becomes a damn nasty caricature....he thinks some of it funny claims I've liked, wanted it all the time and it 'gets me wet'. No it don't. It is just talk, it's porn for him.....he said last night on the phone the thought of torturing me emotionally til I die (after I begged him to get it over with for not the first time after an explosion, the man has taken all else off me)...makes his prick hard. I told him sarcastically oh yes I'm turned on right now bring your gun and do it. But no, that'd be giving me what I want. A true sadist denies his victim pleasure....he gets more excited withholding sex if it means giving me pain. I've asked why does making me cry make him hard...he has denied it but I know it is true, the themes are there. Sexually I am a bit dark...but I didn't want it for real. He thinks I did....I never knew men were so dumb. Not all men though, just some. If I had the inclination I'd blame porn...but no, not all men who view porn are like this...and hey where is the porn in starving someone of sex...unless the thought of taking money off someone then leaving them to shag other men for it then calling them a dirty slut, whore, bitch whatever....each to his own. People ask how I could even desire a man who does all this to me....I am shocked and ashamed myself. Forgive me...when I think of him it is not this monster of a madman I see who is torturing me but the man I fell in love with who was nice, gentle kind....even if emotionally distant for his own reasons. I see Dr Jekyll, not Mr Hyde.

That man....this blog has focused so much on those men and the grief they have brought me...the man who once claimed to love me but now in his own words hates my guts and wants me dead. He aint a well man and I do not want to slate him....he never set out with the intention of hurting me...it has been partly self inflicted cos we all know not to go back to men who are violent.....he wasn't always though....I can't fathom it out by analysing forever as I cannot read the mind of a madman.

Why have I been unable to let him go.....why not let my common sense lead me...cos I got sick of the lonely degrading fucking life which, to be frank, I did not want to do on my own...I so badly wanted someone to go home to for some real affection I craved...he knew that. Liked to make me grateful for a hug, plead with him for a mercy fuck...what have I done???

Perhaps because things were good in the beginning when he wanted me, he couldn't keep away from me and was more eager to get in bed with me than vice versa. I am the opposite, as maybe women are...it took me a little time to relax and bond a bit with him....was any of it real? I was shocked when he showed his kinky side by calling me a filthy slut while he fucked me, it was out of character for the gentleman....he said not to worry it was just a fetish, dirty talking, he didn't mean it. He did....I think, because he says it for real now, with anger. I have never hurt him...but he sees any expression of pain, of how I feel, of complaint as an attack upon him. It seems unless I let him do all he likes....I don't love him, in which case I am a bad person. But I get no guarantee he will love me back...so what is the point? If this is a game it is not funny....but I am ashamed cos I wanted him....if it was all about him being a good shag...I was not aware I tolarated abuse for sex, even if it is good......I must be as sick as he is, or maybe he is right we've drove each other...insane.

Once upon a time....he begged me not to leave him when I expressed no wishes to...he is one mean motherfucker when the boot is on the other foot....when I expressed the fact I loved him....that was license for him to chew me up and spit me out......

Must get on now. By the way....I aint had enough drugs. I need something to wake me up or could do with it...in which case I had better earn. The madness of it...what bloody crap. And I won't blame the drugs...no, it is my stupidity because of the men I choose to go with or attract. I had to air this, I might update and then delete tomorrow when I glance back..

Til then xxx

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Still Alive...Just.

I am alive….just. I am in foul humour as I’ve been rattling the last two days, and my other problems make respite look hard to get……fucking need to earn. I said I wouldn’t be having to do this anymore….seems there is no rest for the wicked. God aint sparing me this time…..

I will catch up when I am sorted out and in better humour. This blog was never intended to be abandoned, but I have had a lot on my mind. My problems have not become better, as I hoped, but everything I have described here has gotten worse.

I have broke too many eggshells and am covered in yolk, you can’t walk on them indefinitely without breaking a few……I need to break out of this before it breaks me. I need to recover my humour, my chin up attitude, it is the only way I can survive……I had it last week now it has gone with….the other things I lost, some of which were mine, some of which maybe never were. I want to know soon what can be recovered as this has not been fair on me, I never asked for it to get like this……I bear my responsibility for playing my part in someone’s little games to an extent, but it gets to a point where I no longer wish to play…and get told it aint me who makes the rules, I am not in control……But nobody can ultimately control me. You never can control another human being, people have their own minds…nobody benefits from stupid head games in the long term……I want to base my dealings with others on honesty, not manipulation and power games.

I am penniless struggling to survive, no home but a trashed apartment. I need some respite.

I wanted to believe in someone against all odds. Clutching at straws I may be, but I’ve long been treading water.

Keep me in your thoughts…..I know some are on my side. Frustrating I may be, and I am far from perfect…..but I am still human. I have not lost that, deep down I still know who I am. Nobody can ever take my sense of identity….and they never will.

Wednesday, 30 June 2010

What Have I Done....

I’m still alive......just!
How to describe the past few weeks would be surreal....but many things play a....and so does a lot of money intended to help sort my life and someone elses out. They blew it. I have fuck all and it is no joke, it never was a joke. How crap it is when the drugs run out with everything else......
There are things, everyday tasks I should have done but I haven’t...some out of laziness and some out of genuine ill health, including an injury that needs seeing to.

I do not play the victim unless I am really playing head games in order to seek sympathy and get what I want.....even though I don’t do that 12 step fuckery I would agree that it is a common trait of addicts. Some are better at it than others........I can be good at it with men, but then they can be good at it with me. Women who have spent any time in the sex industry are inclined towards seeing men in two categories – i.e tricks or pimps, those who are there to be exploited, used, and those who are exploiters. It truly is a microism of late capitalist society in all its glorified decadence, and so is excessive cocaine consumption with all that goes around it. I make some people uncomfortable because I write blatantly about an underbelly that they know little about, a world that is just around the corner from theirs but which they have never experienced directly.

My sordid little world is no less ‘real’ than theirs.......if anything it feels somewhat more real because what is under the surface of society is made explicit and there is no pretence. Some people like to mess around a little with the dark side but too much and the lights go out.....like the guy I went to see last week. He likes to sniff with me but is stingy with money, I always end up staying too long there out of my natural generosity I am not all greed......and that mf knows that.

My times are as hard as my drugs. Hell, I have been pretty fucked up. I was ill last week with food poisoning then the injury that stopped me working for a few days.....I had enough money in the bank to cover my drugs thank god else I would have been even more fucked last weekend...as if it were not fucked enough. As fucked as the former week. This weekend just gone has been the shittiest ever.

I knew what I was walking back into when I missed the man and called him to come back.....I knew he would cost me....in more ways than one. I just was not prepared for the scale of it...... despite my admissions to being sexually sub/deviant there are levels that are beyond me....describing it in that way was perhaps a way for me to explain why I go back for more....suspecting there to be an element of the whole madness that I thrived on. But hell, how many times have I longed for peace? How many times have I got sick and tired of it....what I thrived on was maybe not the way things have been lately but memories of how things used to be....the good times I wanted back, the person I used to know and wanted to see again. Sexualising it was maybe my way of coping with it.

But I have made my nasty little bed....either I will lie and rot in it or fight my way out of it. I intend to struggle out of it, reclaiming more than my bloody drugs.

Thursday, 10 June 2010

HOLE - LOSER DUST LYRICS

HOLE - LOSER DUST LYRICS

How some see me...and saw her...former cokehead. I have become a laughing stock in the eyes of some men....and I no longer care.

I shall say something though...me and the man have reached an understanding. He knows now.....and in less than two weeks time I shall no longer be a sex worker. All the abuse has been due to his inability to handle what I have done for a living. I
have plans...whore no more!

We have learnt to trust each other...and believe or not we do understand each other like nobody else can. As it has been mutual I shall have no more negative things to say about him here...our lack of funds and insatiability for 'loser dust' has been the cause of much of this grief...however hard it may be for people to understand I love him and he does love me....that is why my work has done his head in so. I am trusting him....purely because I know what is real. I know how it has been when he has simply shagged me and when he has made love to me...last night it was the former and for the first time in ages he said that he loved me while looking me in the eyes. If 'loser dust' has been a bond so be it...but I know and he knows there is something real, he knows he has been less than a paragon of virtue to me at times and despite his occasional protests to the contrary he knows he has hurt me....not that he ever intended to but simply because he is screwed up as I am...I have fallen too readily into the e victim/sub role and he so easy falls into the opposite.

It came to a head when he flirted with another woman blatantly in public with me and made me feel humiliated, small. The friend of mine who was present felt awful and so did another guy from what was my regular pub....The woman in question was my mates ex. My man was dumb enough to think it was all about her and him..I did not matter. My good friend told him a few home truths on the phone...and then he knew what he had done. He knows now that shagging random strangers is not the same for me as making love to...him. Last night he saw the difference at last....I am a forgiving loving person. I have kept my heart, despite my love for 'loser dust'...and the men who love it too. xx

Monday, 31 May 2010

Next Phase...

Promised I will stop sex for money or phase it out when I get a new room and replace my laptop...that way I can just do video/phone sex chat...Still not ideal but it is an income, I have no immediate prospects and any other ideas I have are not overnight. At least then I can still have enough money to enjoy myself without the need to go overboard, and have a somewhat more stable life....I can't help the fact that the work is tiring me, getting to me when it has cost me so much....The fact is I get lonely. This has caused me to accept mistreatment I don't think I would normally accept.....it causes men to take the piss because they can. They can easily point to the fact that not many guys could hack what I do...it requires a person without many insecurities. I know few such men....I have often wondered whether women like myself get abuse because men blatantly take the piss or if insults, violence, financial exploitation etc are a way that some men immaturely deal with a difficult situation. It may sometimes be both...people sometimes do what they can if you let them or feel you have no choice but to for the sake of having them around if you deem it worthwhile. I have to a great degree let myself be used, become a money, sex object etc. For some doing as I do maybe worth the personal cost.....it aint worth it enough for me.

Jerks....

For obvious reasons I like to be careful posting on here publicly from a cafe it is annoying at the moment....I have two weeks which to move anyway. Seems the spiral reached its lowest and may not sink any lower....I hope not. I have to replace my damn computer, and would be closer to it had I not fucked up last week....but hey aren’t I always fucking up? Not having it means I have little time to read anyone’s blog as much of the time online I have to pay for, I forget what it was like when I had to rely on public internet access before....
I feel more ashamed of the shambles my personal life has become rather than to any fuck up regarding drugs...I know my faults, I know I am my own bloody worst enemy. I wish I knew why....I must just stop complaining about things that are my own fault and deal with them.
Those that are not my fault I must deal with too....we all have problems that are partly due to things beyond our control. But anyone who thinks there is easy money in what I do is having one big laugh....easy it fucking aint. It is a slog that I tire of, especially with all the stress it has caused me. Had some jerk invade my personal space by calling at a stupid time last week when I was occupied and he texted...told him I have a life beyond those stupid men, or at least try to. Some of them are so dumb...Saturday night I flung out two creeps who a friend sent over. They seriously expected I just love to entertain strange men for the pure hell of it, no like to kiss them, be intimate with them...when I have never met them before, have no connection with them and for me it is work, if only those morons Saturday got that into their heads, were so surprised I was ‘cold’ and asked me what ‘my issues’ were....my issues indeed. I said what were their issues...to which I should have added issues they must have or else why not be able to get a shag on a weekend out, young guys like that, what were they doing coming to see me, giving me money if they had no issues in attracting women?
They did not succeed later that night as they texted me several hours after the event, early hours of the morning to tell me it was ‘rubbish’ – I saw it later that morning as I was otherwise occupied by then. Indeed rubbish they were....after being so tight with their money – I went down so far but can only go so low, but what do they expect when they only have enough money to pay for half hour between them (and note when alone there I do not even see two people – I had a guy sat in the lounge which was the only reason I agreed to even see them). To cap it off they started sniffing stuff in my room without offering me any of the mean amount left at the bottom off the bag....I booted the pair of them out. They went without protesting, else the madman in the other room would’ve been less nice about it than me...it did happen once before that a guy refused to leave and I had to call someone to boot him out for me. My friend said they called him afterwards and told him they were ‘concerned’ about me....I told him what their ‘concern’ consisted of and they could shove it where the sun would never shine...sort out their own issues without worrying about mine. Sure, I sit alone (or at least they believed I was alone) on a Saturday night waiting for strangers for the pure fun and joy, I am a rampant nympho who just can’t get enough....I can play to that delusion if someone puts enough cash in my hand but not if they want to be cheapskates, people get what they pay for.
The way things have been lately is a struggle, I need a place to live where I can sleep alone at night if I must. The stupid doctor in this district won’t prescribe me any tranquilisers or sleepers and I can’t find any elsewhere at present, my situation is a bit fucked at present.
Oh well. Life goes on, I have to laugh sometimes.....people say I can be entertaining. At least I am still myself, or have been more myself.

Thursday, 27 May 2010

Little Sleazebags....

Hi guys,

I am surviving....but the place where I was based is gone, I can sleep there no longer due to mere discomfort and bad karma, it aint been 'my flat, 'my home' for ages now...and the jerk who owns the place is a sleazeball. I have yet another shameful confession....

Now, even had I a laptop still my time online would be limited. I have still been crashing at my friends place, among a few others here and there, while the one I will just call 'the man' has been couch surfing too.....but he is gonna help me with the sleazebag, he owes me that much...

Now, I may owe rent arrears, ok, and the place may be a tip...but I have caused no permananent damage. The door, which was the only thing, I intend to get someone to repair....whatever the case is there any justification for a 5.11" man physically intimidating a 5.5" woman who only weighs seven and a half stone? Who he knows to be vulnerable too....there is no fucking way. What he did the other day was illegal, letting himself in with his keys after giving me less than the required 24 hours notice, then physically intimidating me demanding to look in the rooms, shoving me out of the way to look in the bedroom of all places?

That jerk is not right in the head himself, did I wish to I could take legal action. As it is I just want out. But what makes it worse was that I was so lonely the beginning of last year....I let the piece of sleaze shag me....how could I have done, where was my taste...and the idiot squirted in my mouth when I asked him not to...and yuck he wore white y-fronts!

Now, I was there yesterday clearing the place, I had 'the man' over....I made him promise me deal with that twat as there is something about this we have kind of been in together, he can do that much. I fucked up bad yesterday, spent too much money part due to being sold some crap gear in the morning...and an unsympathetic healthcare profession in this district, who refused me anything to help me sleep over this period and raised the fact I was a smackhead back in....1996!!! Like, what have 14 years ago got to do with now? They all follow 12 step ideology round here, the disease model once an addict always an addict and no shrink can help me while I drink or use ANYTHING even socially because I have some mystical disease, they all follow it to one note or another...I will write more on this later, but to be judged by yet more people who have never walked in my shoes....it begs belief it truly does. According to my sympathetic doc all my friends are evil druggies and alkies just encouraging my vices, the 'real me' (i.e my sober self) is never seen....shove it. I am getting the hell out of this particular part of town, I have not been sleeping there anyway...no wonder there are so many down and outs, people who the system leaves to rot...my problems make me not eligible for housing assistance, anything unless I face 'treatment'...when I did not even say everything I had been using....I was questioned on how do I afford to do anything, I should have just said I fucked directly for it, there was no reason to question me, extract a confession about being a sex worker then being moralised to about it...the issue was that the place where all my belongings is makes me ill to sleep in, I can't go back there without getting depressed and fucking up in some way or other....usually getting smashed when I don't intend to or more smashed. I then worry about money etc.....but fuck so called 'help'...I have fast come to the conclusion I can only help myself.....but the man can help me at least ease out of that place...pray I get that loan sorted so I have enough for a new place, laptop and to repay a few debts then I can get back on my feet regain my own space....

Forgiving I am....I said I cannot be trusted re the man and I proved to myself yesterday that I can't. Why I am still in love with/besotted with someone who has been so mean....but I will catch up later..

Sunday, 23 May 2010

Furious But Alive

I keep promising to catch up on everyone's blogs..truth is that the lack of my pc plus connection gives me limited time...it has fucked my business too this weekend as if it was not already fucked......how I have managed to avoid the fate of streetwalking it seems God has a little mercy....managed to get out a bit as well....funny how although I am essentially down and out and present I have a touch more happiness and dignity than I was when in that rotten apartment crying over the man who now is too shamefaced to even speak to me...I will try to be online tomorrow....pray I have a good week I want a place to live I want a lot of things I want some level of stability I want to sort out my finances and yes I still want to party and get over my heartache......gradually returning to myself pray I can....

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Big Thx To You Guys.......

FIRST...A BIG THANK YOU TO ALL YOUR COMMENTS TO MY LAST POST......YOUR READING AND SUPPORT HAVE BEEN SUCH A HELP THROUGH THIS HARD TIME, MORE THAN YOU KNOW...I PROMISE I WILL CATCH UP ON YOUR BLOGS WHEN MY INTERNET ACCESS IS MORE STABLE ETC....MY READERS, A BIG THANK YOU TO YOU ALL XXXX

Just to let you guys all know I am alive and well...it is annoying the hell out of me not having that laptop or internet any more.....but first think I need a place to live as I cannot kip on my mates floor forever...

I have a dirty confession....despite how it has all ended in tears me and 'the man' had a good sex life , despite all the other shit....I don't know if you ever read that the only redeeming quality of abusive relationships can be....that. A good shag. Which he even ended up depriving me of to the point of making me beg during one of his power control sessions...dom sub games that became real. But what I am ashamed of.....I still jerk off over him. It was sad when I used to do it alone when off my nut, and he was wherever either jerking off to porn or trying to pull some other woman.

I got to stay single for a while until I regain some sanity. How I wish.....I could promise....but I can't promise was he to come back now apologetic etc, if the man I fell in love with, not the monstrous madman was to return.....I would not go back. The man still has a hold over me. I never used to get off on videos of men pulling women's hair while she sucked them off, had her asked them to call her a crazy whore, was treated rough by one man in the scenario who was her boyfriend while the other was his mate....I do now. I jerk off over that...sometimes I want to become nothing, I want to allow myself to be used by two or three men as a total object, have them humiliate me while they fuck my brains out and treat me like dirt, call me every name, I want them to be rough, aggressive with me. I don't know how much this is my own tendency, how much of it is a genuine part of my sexuality or how much of it is his that I learnt to enjoy...he gets off on all that...along with him thinking he should be in control because.....he is male. I wonder what century he lives in. I hate it when I fleet between speaking of someone in the past and pres tenses....I am just ashamed that I still jerk off over a man who is not only seriously mentally disturbed but also abused me. When I missed him I jerked off over him all time....he actually thought my high sex drive was a sign I was disturbed, abnormal. He thought the fact I enjoyed sex with him made me a 'filthy slut' in itself...the fact I orgasmed with him made me more despicable. While he made out in the beginning the dom sub stuff was a game, when he lovingly said 'of course I don't really mean you are a filthy slut, sweetheart'....he meant it near the end. He meant it when he said 'go get my money you owe me you filthy smelly slut'. I must be insane jerking off over a man who treated me like scum.....but it's like this. Ok I have that tendency to enjoy dom sub games and like to be sub.....but it does not mean I enjoy real life abuse. I should maybe not be ashamed....I loved that man, however much my love was wasted on him. He aint capable of love, he is too screwed up. I aint over him, I can't be in another relationship til I am over him......so perhaps I should ease on myself.

Perhaps I shouldn't even blame it on the work I did....the fact I was a sex worker just gave him a powerful stick to beat me with. Had it not been that....he would've found something else. He is going through a bad patch...and is the type of man inclined to take it out on whoever the woman is who is in his life at present. He is not the only one. I have no choice but to stay single for a while, treat all men as potential predators until they prove otherwise...I must do it to avoid getting hurt. Predatory men pick up on signals....and 'my asshole' said about abused women 'a predator only comes in if you let him' and that abused women truly enjoy the drama of an abusive relationship, the laws of the jungle mean you either must be predator or prey...he knows which one he'd rather...and it is women's place to be submissive, to do what their men say....the fact I am a woman....meant I had no choice but to be prey in the mind of this sick man I have cried so much over. Any questioning meant I was a 'militant feminist' who 'hates men'. I do not hate men though...what I do hate is abuse. If he truly equates being male with being predatory, misogynist, abusive...he aint doing the male sex much of a service if all this I have been through is down to the fact he is a.......man. I always knew he had streaks of misogyny but how much he hates women I never knew.....he should keep away from us until he sorts it out......He knows he has other issues but it is always substance abuse, stress etc.......he fails to see that he has a problem with being abusive because he thinks he is entitled to as he is a man. It is an ideology. I did not know domestic violence was an ideology, I took those feminist claims with a pinch of salt. I now know them to be true as I have been there, I have had it for the past year and a half.

But happier things....I replaced my guitar. I have been practicing a bit with a mate while we have both gotten slightly smashed. I have been socialising more, the guy who has been putting me up introduced me to some of his mates, women as well as men and they are decent types.....the women not being the types ready to have cat fights over grams of coke and all that nonsense, nor are the men all predatory and violent as all somebody else's male friends.....There is no chance of any relationship occuring between the man I been staying with and myself.....despite the fact he does fancy me a bit I agreed with him we both have too many problems and it would only complicate things and I don't want another relationship right now....just nice to sleep on the same matress as a male and not have him demand I suck his cock nor does he put drugs in front me then demand I can have if I pay in kind....as Jason's mates would do while he would just....watch.

I've been partying, A rich guy who I'm friendly with I spent a few days with, he shared a lot of gear with me but really wanted to hang out and he did want a few favours but it was nothing I didn't want to do actually had a bit of a laugh just viewing some porn with him and testing my new vibrator while he jerked off I helped him along a bit....decent man just rich and lonely few true friends....he's a cokehead but a rich cokehead at least who aint bankrupt like myself or Jason etc....he throws big parties has a big house and all.....I don't like to think in a mercenary way but if I am to survive and enjoy the rest of my life..perhaps he has friends with a lot of money, perhaps I can earn more....and actually make a profit rather than purely just be supporting a habit. And one day I am gonna publish this blog. Whatever happens this is a new summer, this could well be a new beginning. Despite all I have lost.....I must see the positive in this. Never, never, will I let any man.....doubt who I am. Make me ashamed of being....me.

That so called posh 'friend' of mine has gone too....never again will I hear her moralising Knightsbridge acccent tell me what I should and should not do with my own body, the alcoholic who tells me I am 'unemployed' what I do is neither work nor a business and I cannot even afford £50 a week, the alcoholic who thinks the fact I accept money for sex and like a sniff means....I invite domestic violence into my life. I was so mad I was thinking she should thank herself that distance prevented me from.......but she aint worth assualting and risking jail for...the bitch who heard me in hysterics when I still thought she was a friend, she heard me cry while continuing to moralise I said 'Can't you see my heart has broken, the man I loved has nearly killed me, spare me won't you', til she eventually forced me to just hang up....she had the nerve to say to me when I said to her 'spare me' she told me 'life won't spare you though'. The stupid cow whose own life is so boring she is obsessed with politician sleaze scandals....and she had a very unhealthy interest in my Jason, stupid stuff she asked about him that was not for the purpose of grassing - despite his paranoia she had fuck all and there was no crime to report - like what was his daughters name what was his ex wife's name stupid inane stuff.....but something strange was that he said the fact I am a whore means I ask for it......she essentially said the same thing. She is out of my life now, I gave that little slapper many chances she blew them all may she rot in hell...or in her miserable little suburban life. God, I hate you bitch.

But I have been having more fun than her these past couple of weeks....and I never thought I'd hear myself say this.....I've been having more fun with not seeing him, out of that rotten little apartment which I ask people not to call 'my flat' because it has long ceased to be.......the police victim support guy rang me and I said please not to call back I want all that put behind me, the burglary all that took place there.......it is not my home...I am essentially not in a good place, homeless as I go from party to party...but in a weird way I feel better, some kind of weight has lifted....as I am no longer ruled by fear. A man is no longer ruling my life or controlling me.....and I am once more free to party. Earning is still a stress....and the theft of my laptop did not help in fact it lost me a lot of business, but things will pick up.

Ok, so I am crazy in my own way. I have issues. But the things people would judge me most for, the fact I am a cocaine addict and a sex worker are not the things that trouble me the most, to some extent I like living on the edge. I take drugs because I enjoy them, end of, I want to hear no psychobabble. I will catch up more on everything soon..I've already written more than I intended. But the drugs I do i've been enjoying as I have been in good companuy....not the company of madmen and psychos. I have been compliments on my looks by men, only one man insulted me by saying I am too thin.....I know that is my only problem. I couldn't eat due to depression, but I can eat again now.

The phone has been dead today not earnt and to a large extent the man who said he'd always 'help me make money' - the pimp who took and never gave back - has stopped me earning. Which is why I've been buying overpriced coke in light grams rather than bigger amounts which are more economical.....on a good week I do that, I aint had a good week for months.......I shoul've stopped getting my gear off my p**p a wee while ago, the quality decreased as the price remained the same.....it wouldn't surprise me if his greed took over so much that he gave it to me after bashing it himself....he admits having done that to another friend of his so why not me?...but it was his loss. I buy no gear off him now....if I can only manage to take three days off next week....unless my rich mate is having a party tonight and it is on him......it looks like I might have to take tonight off.....but three days is hard at the moment...though I managed it once when I believed things were getting better with that bloody Jason and felt happier....til he brought me down again when somethintg went wrong for him.....these issues are still here.

But at least I been out enjoying myself, mixing with people again...next week I might manage what was my local bar where I used to hang.....til it got to the pathetic stage I was always having to earn could never go out while I lay alone either crying or jerking off over that man while he would be out getting trashed or partying with other women while he was killing me inside, leaving me waiting alone at home for him.......he never took me out anywhere with him because he was, I guess, saying he was single........and I was like some sleazy little secret he had...his only loyal bloody customer who he'd lean on financially emotionally while denying to everyone she even existed.......the motherfucker.

Monday, 17 May 2010

I Survive...Regaining Freedom and Dignity

Hi guys,

This may be a new start.....I may have a new place to live by the end of the month, sharing a place with another woman in my profession....on the grounds the place is clean, tidy, to see clients....and I may get another room to sleep where I don't work.

To let you know....a male friend has been putting me up before I sort myself out...and he wants nothing from me. He will make sure nobody hurts a hair on my head...and wants none of my income. He knows I have been hurting that I have almost lost everything......help comes to me as I am a survivor, as he recognises.....he is another man who lives on the edge but it is against his principles to abuse women...he is no psychotic madman. He likes a bit of you know what, but aint so far gone screwed up can no longer enjoy it...The threats of my - what do I call the man who refuses to call himself a boyfriend but has been abusing me - no longer scare me. Threatening that there are violent crims out to kill me cos I am a 'liability' and I have him to thank for his protection by stopping them, I should edit this blog etc....he can stop thinking he can frighten me ever again. Did he ever love me, were his expressions of affection ever real? I know no longer......

I caught up with a friend on Saturday, my musician mate....we had a good time until it got to the point his possesive girlfriend was to return who allows him no female friends and controls his social life....he was in tears telling me that she has been physically violent but it is against his principles to retaliate as men hitting women is wrong....I told him some men do not discriminate re gender. We both cried. I am lucky to have good male friends who care for me, who will not see me hurt...and do not judge me for what I do. They are upset for me that the man I loved, who meant the world to me....has left me without a home, my most beloved possessions...and my close sanity, along with some of my self confidence and esteem, which I am now regaining. The heartache will fade....but if he reads this...

I hope to God you know I loved you.....you meant all to me I would've given you all my love, everything. Even now....I still love you despite everything, although I am at the point I realise I must put myself and my survival first...if it means grieving and moving on so be it. Thanks to my friends who are here....and thanks to my loyal readers who have supported me through this hell I have gone through.

He will know his death threats etc will no longer scare me......if he or any of his sick mates hurt a hair on my head....they won't get away with it. I will let you rule my life no longer darling. You tried to make me over.....at first you did not want me to be a whore because you decided I could do better, was better. You changed your mind when you needed the money....and even then I pleaded if it was to destroy our relationship I would not do it....money and drugs were not worth the loss of the man I loved. You sacrificied a woman who you know adored you.....for the sake of money and drugs. My tears have been endless......did you lie to me about how you felt? Once upon a time I was your girlfriend, nay, you even called me your missus once. You stopped calling me that a while back...and lied by saying you never were my boyfriend....I asked what were you as my male friends do not abuse me mentally emotionally physically.....or pass me on sexually to their mates or pimp me out....I cannot call you a friend and despite you calling me your 'bitch', 'slut' or whatever else....I never called you my 'pimp' but as you didn't like the term boyfriend unless it suited the mood you were in....I called you my man as it sounded neutral not insulting. If this is how it must be I will have no choice to remember you as my pimp.....the man who even if did not directly demand a percentage....found other ways to live off me. And you dared to call me a parasite....while I worked while you slept, I took clients back to my lounge while you slept off your binge...and you brought round your psycho mate while I worked...and I did not keep any of that money after paying to get high and giving you your cut...I went hungry for two days while you offered the bastard who abused me with you all night breakfast.

Sorry hon....but you have been wrong you know it...hence you cannot face me. Take your own advice and look in the mirror. You sneered at me saying you could maintain your habit while I could not...like hell. This is why you are homeless, have lived off a woman who helped you financially, did what she did to help you as much as herself......the man who once loved my 'precious heart'......the man who I was still longing for as recent as Friday......I loved you to bits you jerk.

You and your pyscho petty crim violent misogynist mates....have lost me my home. I can no longer sleep there as it has been violated along with my person. The last straw........I found out all along I had been lied to. For his 'agency'......I passed on the details of a woman I distrusted instantly. I have a score to settle with that bitch......she insisted she did not want him. He told me he was not seeing her....he had been for a long time behind my back....after the agency had finished, while the agency was on he would sweet talk her using my landline, running my bill up.....he came over mine last week raging like a madman, saying he wanted to kill someone.....throwing my stuff around....then asking me for a hug, saying why didn't I hug him without him asking....because he had terrified me was why. I had failed my test to prove my love....by admitting I had emotional needs of my own as if I loved him....I'd do ANYTHING. I would put him first always...but no all I could think of was myself...even then....

I had a client over.....this woman phoned twice. The first time he evaded the issue, told me 'shut up slut' while she was screeching at him down the phone asking why he had left her alone in the pub with his mad buddy....then she called back...I said sarcastically 'say hi from me'.....she heard and I heard her scream what was he doing at mine.......if nothing had been happening why did she want to know what he was doing at mine? He told her....this was what was too painful for me to write before.....that he was just round mine 'for money'. Does he call her his girlfriend now? She had been stashing his goods in her bra......and he'd been crashing at hers while I was alone breaking my heart in a place that had been destroyed sobbing my heart out over him....has the man lost his heart? Did he lie when he once said he loved me and called me his girlfriend? He has sometimes said he said so because he was 'high' ....was he not wrecked he aims higher than me...I am unworthy of him and am ungrateful that he even condescended to go out with me, he tried to 'help' me but I have failed him...and dragged him down. Don't forget...he had a proper business once....and a 'decent, respectable proper woman'. There are disadvantages to being a 'single man'...lacking a decent woman, being lumbered with an insufferable whore etc.

Sure. The 'insufferable whore' who has saved his neck from debt to crims countless times, the 'insufferable whore' who was his only source of income early this year. Yes, I have sunk but will pick myself up....he admits he has sunk and it is painful for him to look at me because it reminds him he has sunk.....if he could not handle my work I pleaded with him I would not do it......he said don't worry, 'we' need the money....he used his 'emotional cut off switch' to avoid falling in love with me because his financial problems consumed all his being....so I tried my best to help him have what he wanted....money. I have failed there too as I have not earnt enough....so his attempts to find other women who will succeed where I failed....if only he knew had he been nicer to me I'd have given him all.....I'd have earnt more, given him a home....cooked, cleaned for him played the traditional role he wanted.....but I 'can't even cook'...despite the fact he has only let me cook for him once....he didn't like the meal. And last time I was at his I failed to clear his bedroom despite the fact I'd done each other room....this was the weekend his sick mate threatened him with a weapon and I felt for him...the same mate who has since taken his grievances out on me...by smashing my door in stealing my possessions....I felt for him so I accepted abuse - in the form of death threats, threats of white slavery to him and his boys, and a nose that was nearly broken by his back handed slap.

I portray him as nothing he aint.....he is not an evil man but is losing his empathy and any shreds of compassion he had for women....he has had things go wrong so he decides to take it out on the only person he can...the woman who loved him, who was closest to him, who would rub his back whenever he asked her to....who woke him up for court by staying awake herself to stop him sleeping in and facing jail as a result....because he could not afford tax and insurance on his car. He could not afford his rent either....all went up his nose. And he calls this maintaining? If he truly believes he is at the top of his anthill he is delusional....but he aint above me. I see clearly....and that is what he cannot handle.....that he fools me no more, I know what has been going on.......and I have let it go on because of my deep feelings for the man. I put up with it because my profession....not many men would be able to handle it. At heart he could not. I watched the movie 'Indecent Proposal' last night and cried. I have been lonely, sex with strangers is cold...why I have been tolerating all this just to have a man in my life who I love, some sexual encounters that feel real, that I want...which he has played on by leaving me frustrated then making me beg in his dom sub games.....telling me 'gag on it slut' while he puts his cock in my mouth......he joked once that putting his penis in my mouth stops me talking....that awful weekend I was told from then on.....he would just slap me if I refused to shut up did I say something that upset or annoyed him...and he is easily annoyed, it is walking on eggshells.

His sick buddies intensify his view...one of his thugs told me the other day that 'Jason loved you, you were the jewel in his crown, you were everything...now you have driven him away by your rotten behaviour'. I cried, pleading with this jerk I had done nothing wrong to my man.....if anything I'd been wronged. I bumped into him by accident....that was the result. His little gang....I know now not to expect compassion from any of them, the jerks. I wrote to one of his cronies who I thought had more of a heart, explained things, as my man refused to listen to my 'emotional bullshit'.....I told his mate the man I loved had treated me like an animal, I was losing everything...please reason with him if possible. It got me into more trouble. The three of them were bullying me, yelling, and was told to 'shut the fuck up' when I dared cry. This was after.....my man/pimp whatever one may call him....left me alone with yet another of his thugs pimped me out to him without having discussed it with me......the same night the revelation occured about the woman he had been seeing and I was already broken. His mate groped me in his presence, he said nothing. I was in my room with a client....who picked up on vibes and returned the next day in concern for my welfare along with wanting to shag me.....After the client left my man's sick mate started to grope me again......my man had a call and said he was leaving but he would be back.....he would leave 'us two lovebirds' alone....I was furious as he was not my lover I didn't want him.....but he said 'look after my mate' I said what the hell it had not been discussed with me....he said 'do as you are told'....I said what the hell I do not take orders....he ignored me just said to his mate pay her won't you...this man continued to grope me I said give it a break I had just been shagged I am not a machine or sex slave I got dignity....my man said that's right give her a break she's already been at it....he said he was coming back, I said take the keys then he would not....then I knew he would not be back. I was left alone with another of his men. I started crying....I knew this guy who had been ok with me before but knew he had a dark side, was capable of violence......I didn't want to upset him.....I got him to call my man who would not be back...big surprise! I spoke to him said why was he doing this....the reply was 'fuck off slut'.

I made the most of the time with his buddy...ok I let him do sexual stuff with me, although he got it cheap. I got high and he was tolerable company not paranoid. But....I had caught him on a good night. He fancied me and his beef was with my man, not me....he is saner than the guy who smashed my door in. But he was selfish....the gear my man pretended was 90 per cent pure....I aint fucking dumb it is impossible to get such stuff here by the ounce.....idiot cant take me for that much of a fool.....was cut with something that burnt my nose and hurt. When the comedown began my heart was hurting as much as my nose... I expressed pain. The man's reply was 'can I suck his cock for five minutes?'. I said was he mad, I was hurting and long past it, it was the last thing on my mind....the man I loved had been seeing someone else behind my back as well as denying me affection, company, sex etc.....and my belongings taken, my door smashed by his psycho mate...I was lucky to be alive, that I was not there when he broke in......while my man left me to face it alone, fucked off alone......to hide from the man who could've injured me as well as invading what had once been my home. Suck anyone's cock while I was dying inside? He had kept me awake with my sore nose by jerking off against my body....he called a cab to go home...to his wife.

I spoke to my man the next day.....he asked was his mate still there...I said of course not, why would he be? He said there's no need to worry, he is a good man who would 'look after me' as he was taking a break. I said fuck that, I was not looking for another pimp.....after which the point came about him going away to sort his head out etc.

I know he has lied. I know he is still working.....but he told me he isn't. He knows I don't want his overpriced coke...I can get a better deal elsewhere. I don't want his mate to sell me on that gear and act as surrogate pimp (married as well) while he gets his 'space'. He lied about where he stayed...the night he asked me to 'get him money to prove I love him'.....then later....'get on the streets and pay me your debt you filthy whore'.....stayed with that other tart that night. He had a safe flat for the weekend but he'd been let down...hence him going to her. I was not offered to join him in the safe flat.......I was left to rot in the home I once had that had become a hell for me.....God.

My lack of interest in his mate.....when I bumped into him and his boys....I tried reason but I was told to shut up by all of them......while they shouted and mouthed off at me for having done..nothing but be human, fail to be a blow up doll who only speaks when spoken to. He could not look me in the eye.....but I told him it killed me.....about the women he'd been seeing...and being left alone with yet another of his boys. He said the man he left me alone with....he 'fully empathised'....because.....the man tried to stab him the other day. I went beserk, sobbed how could you leave me alone with another psycho, and to add insult to injury offer his services as pimp to me? He could not hear it....so he told me get the hell out call me in two days......after trying to smooth me over, giving me a kiss saying he'd tell his mates in the room not to bully me anymore....hell.

That is it. I spoke to him once since....he asked me something pathetic about a phone battery...when I complained about losing my home, my business being fucked or at least gone down, being abused by his mates...I was told again not to give him 'emotional bullshit'. He tried to make me use hair straighteners knowing it is not my style.....so I can look more like a Barbie doll. My refusal was more evidence of my failure....I was how I am just less of wreck when I met him....I never asked him to make me over or 'help me'.....make money or whatever I was fucking fine as I was inside and know who I am still......despite his claims 'I don't know who I am'.....no hon, you have not suceeded there. You have caught a woman who knows what domestic violence is and I am woken to it.....I was blind for a time but not now. I let it continue....cos my line of work (which I began for both of us)...had left me so lonely and longing......I was prepared to accept abuse as a price of his love.

I aint no more. I will survive the pain will go.......My friends are looking after me. Believe me, there are criminals with honour. It is against their principles to abuse women.....his death threats no longer hold weight with me. He gave me another death threat before his kiss on Saturday....if any trouble comes his way due to me I'd be....I said don't bother, tearfully I said I have friends who do value my life and if a hair on my head is hurt.......he knew when to stop. He knows I have friends now who won't see me hurt, he knows the friend who has put me up....and he is a man he won't upset, and this is not somone out to earn off me but a decent man who is friend to me.....I am no longer going to live in fear of him and his thugs they will rule my life no more. I rule my own life...

I will catch up more tomorrow....but I have got a judgemental friend out of my life who came with the opinion that my lifestyle means I 'ask for it' and commented on my finances, everything that was none of her business....when all I wanted was a shoulder to cry on over a broken heart....she can fuck off too.

I am who I am....and am proving I am a survivor. More tomorrow xxx

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Small Mercies

A woman once consented to let her man order her to strip naked and stand in the middle of the room among his poker buddies....they fondled her and threw sexual insults at her. As she had been ordered not to move she stood still crying....he then 'felt' her pain and gave her something to take it away.

Thank heaven for small mercies....he felt her pain. I have been with a man who now is incapable of feeling anyone else's pain but his own. This story was taken from a manual on how to pimp women by a guy called Mickey Royal.

At the time I read that I did not understand why she consented to such a thing. Sadly....I do now.

Catch up later. Meanwhile, no sign of him for better or worse.

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Florence + The Machine - Kiss With A Fist

Hey Guys....

Just to let you know I am still alive.....after being through hell and back...

I will catch up in detail tomorrow, but I feel I have lost everything, my most personal belongings, my guitar and laptop, were stolen by my mans psychopathic buddy...after he smashed my door in looking for who had been his 'best mate' but was threatening to kill....thank God I was out or he may well have harmed me, this is a madman I speak of.

The result of this was not the support I needed - ok I know to have a psycho threaten your life must be hell.....but aint it been terrifying for me as well? Do I need it? Meanwhile the man I love let the beast within take over til he became an abusive monster I no longer recognised.....and he has brought men with him to join in humiliating me, his stupid pimp games, trying to make me degrade myself then telling me I have no self respect...when I have REFUSED to give freebies to his mates, to let clients cum in my mouth etc because 'we need the money'.

I hate to say it....but I do still love him. Despite the fact I have lost my home, my most prized possessions, been losing weight etc......if this is what love does I want it no more. I am heartbroken, he has hurt me far more than any man has ever done...it has nearly killed me.

He has gone away now and left me alone in the hell he left me in.....because he needs 'space' to 'sort his head out'. If he cannot refrain from abusing me verbally mentally emotionally physically sexually.....it is probably for the best he stays away. Perhaps it is his way of showing he does care.....protecting me by not putting me at risk by his presence. He knows he is mentally ill. He said he will try to stay sober for a bit. The thing is he has lied to me so much.....I no longer know what to believe.

I must shoot as I want to try to earn......my cash aint going to him no more. I said if he is gone for the time being he is gone.....I get my shit elsewhere if I want it. He said he aint flogging it no more anyway.....I don't know if I believe that or not. But he knows there will be no 'business transactions' whatever. Never has any man hurt me so much.

Meanwhile no man will ever again make me doubt who I am......Enjoying to get high does not mean I deserve this.....psychos in my life etc, violence. I know other guys do coke even flog a bit.....they avoid all the shit my man gets into. It must be his greed, lack of self restraint.......to the extent of even sacrificing a woman he loved, treating her as a sex/money object, an animal......I think deep down he knows what he has done and can't live with himself...nor can he deal with the pain in my eyes at what has happened. That is why he cannot face me at present.....his buddy kicking my door in doing that made him more, not less, abusive....because he knew I never invited that sicko into my life but he did. So he brings round....more twisted men. Leaves me hungry no money to eat for two days...while he buys a prick he brought round and abused me all night breakfast after the pair of them had every penny I earnt. Ok, I got high but walked the streets for what he gave to his pal free while they both got paranoid twisted and took it in turns making me cry. Why I didn't tell the pair of them to get the hell out....my strength had gone by then. This was the same day I had earlier bought my beloved new clothes, took him food cos I felt for the fact he is homeless, few clothes, cos I loved him.
I tolerated the shit later because.....
I'd been broken.....the handiwork of a pimp.

What I do for a living does not make me less worthy of respect than any other woman. Next time he needs a loan....he can ask the 'decent, proper woman' he once had (to use his own words about his ex). She'll likely tell him to fuck off.

I hope he gets better before it is too late, I truly do. He can face the fact he aint well....whether or not he can come to terms with the domestic violence issue and stop transferring the blame onto me for being an 'insufferable bitch' is a different matter. Time will tell....in the meantime it is best he stays away til he regains his sanity.

People look at me pass judgement and assume it is because I am a drug addict and I must have abstinence etc.......some jerk last night who I helped score (I am furious with that prick too....I will write of that tomorrow) offered me unwanted 'help with my addiction' - which I told him to shove where the sun don't shine. I told him my man had been beating me in more ways than one....he did not hear it. Two seconds later he said 'why has your boyfriend left you?' making the blind assumption it was he who left me.....not me who told him to go. And to be fair to me I have made it clear to him I have my limits.

I like to get high and I am not ashamed. Yes, I am a sexual being and this does not make me a 'filthy slut' or any other terms my boyfriend has used. I am not 'filthy' for enjoying or wanting sex with him....if he thinks so the problem is his and it is sad that he can treat a woman who wants him......like this. He must hate himself, feel himself so unloveable....how could any woman long for him? He asked me one night 'Why do you love me, I a low life scummy man' or something of the sort.......this probably shows his egotistical rants to the opposite are to be taken with a pinch of salt...as is much else he says. He has lied to me so much.......and how dare he tell me I am the one who hates myself, who does not know who I am, who has 'no self respect' and all the other stuff....then tells me to 'look in the mirror' each time I complain that his abusive behaviour hurts me. I.e look in the mirror see you are unnattractive, dirt etc no wonder I abuse you what man would want you. I am getting my life back. I will enjoy getting high again without being punished by a man who is two far gone with excess and psychosis to enjoy his poison anymore.....least I know now what level I don't want to be at. I shall enjoy my weekends....as I had a few pleasant evenings this weekend gone....in the company of others, not him, I was pleasantly high and mellow. And I shall not hate myself for accepting money for sex, I do what I do to get by. No man shall hurt me like this ever again.....and he will not because I shall not give him the power to ever again. He has lost a lot of the control he had because he pushed me too far....he got too cocky. He won't be again.

Hi to my new visitors......I shall read your blogs tomorrow when I return to this cafe. I need to replace my laptop....and earn I shall. It may have been interrupted but I won't let this fuck my business up. Don't think this don't hurt, it is agony....but surivive I will. I shall not let any man kill me....however much I love him.

Thursday, 29 April 2010

I gotta be quick here...but just an update to say I am alive and well....I patched things with someone. He loves me really I know it, he isn't a liar...it is just a fucked up situation at present. I am exhausted and have let a few things slide...when he did come back he slept for nearly two days at my place. I wish I had the means to binge like that, or at least get my goods to pay for themself...it is this that is getting to me. It is because of this work that I feel things have been hard...but....I say to stop, that I want out...all I wish is that he'd make it easier not harder for me while it must be...everything has gone wrong lately to make that job fuck up and I still have not managed to get down the computer shop, wreck I am. I will try my best to do all that tomorrow....I was actually feeling more positive yesterday as he was in a happier mood, and of course I am an emotional sponge. I can't be long as I am truly exhausted and need some sleep, and sadly I have to earn....again....after getting myself in debt.....sad that a rest and an ok couple of days end with me fretting like this again....so it may be the streets for me again tonight.

Meanwhile I am sick to death of people assuming I am thick, a sex object etc. I normally don't give a fuck but I have been lately, which does not make this shit easy. Please pray someone has time to comfort me while this must last....and pray it does not last....long.

Monday, 26 April 2010

Still Alive...(But not yet Free)

A Norweigan musician (not wonderful guitar playing or anything but ok themes) wrote a song entitled 'cocaine' with the lyrics 'I'm alive but I'm not free...and my conscience is killing me....'. I know what that means.

To let everyone know...I haven't written for a couple of days because the lead for my laptop (which I only fucking replaced a few weeks ago) broke the other night, along with other electrical equipment lately. This has resulted in a loss of potential income ( I could not set my availability on that rotten sleazy little site, I am now writing from a cybercafe...) I took the lead back to the shop, whoever sold it to me had gone home (by the time I managed to get myself out of bed after a rotten weekend, depressed as hell today, nothing achieved). I got into a dispute because whoever it was said he needed a receipt...like hell do they. If I buy something and it is faulty they give me a refund or exchange, I believe that is the damned law....I am not having anyone else bleed me..all this always come down to is money, money...where is the human face of a capitalist world? Nowhere in my life at present...maybe some bleeding heart lib should write a patronising book entitled capitalism with a human face or something like....not that I am political these days or a fan of any 'ism'...all politics are shit end of day. I just get disheartened the way money rules everything...including my personal relationships. Perhaps what I do for a living is the microism of what a capitalist society entails...the purchase of fake affection etc. Coldness. But sadly....I am more aware of this because...it seems the men in my life who I do actually want....

I told him......this job drives me mad. He said 'it brings money in though' with a shrug and I said, you jerk is money worth the sacrifice of my mental emotional health, the love and respect of a man who once said he loved me meant the world to me and still does......how can the greed for money overcome a man so much to the extent he can sacrifice a woman he once claimed to love and says he still cares for....

I had one hell of a weekend....I would not have gone home with him had it not been for me being scared of his psychopathic buddy he had fallen out with...because I am capital in the eyes of some men he knows, a potential loss of income, property etc.....so why would his psycho sick little mate not decide to get at him through me, especially as money is the issue? My man decided to go home from mine, after he had slept in bed all day (after taking things out on me like that......I told him today when he has been more reasonable about the danger of associating with violent psychos...not the first time I have told him...and he agreed wholeheartedly I was right, he cannot always control his little thugs, one day the 'Snow King's' subjects may revolt...and the macho all brawn no brain thugs..sure are...revolting to say the least). I don't want the pair of us to die an untimely death bleeding in some gutter....at the hands of deranged loons. He brought this jerk into my home, other things resulted from the fact I befriended this man's girlfriend....it just makes me ill, all of it....To put himself at risk is one thing....to put me, the woman who has done nothing but love him...is another. I told him this, he felt too guilty and depressed to really consider or open his eyes (as usual) but he still had the cheek to ask me about money.....now don't get me wrong I feel for the man in all he is going through, I know he is not well is mentally ill and disturbed and all...but when will he spare me some compassion?I pleaded with him yesterday, grovelled, humiliated myself told him please I am going through hell due to the work you encouraged me to do for out mutual gain...I want to stop please help me stop, help me out of the bed you helped me make...I am not blaming it all on you, just....you helped me make it is all.

No mercy. All his issues were dumped on me, I have been ill all day due to absorbing them like the emotional sponge I am absorbing the negativity of others as much as the positive, especially if they mean something to me.....like he does and he knows it. Therefore why must he play on it, gain from it how he does...I wonder where is his heart, why must he sacrifice a woman he once (at least) loved or claimed to on the altar of his greed and desperation.....he doesn't know how he hurt me, insulting me for what I do for a living, as I had a bruise on my leg he accused me of shooting up. I was begging with him for some comfort, affection, debased myself like I never have done before, shame on me for letting him do this..... he at first blamed his low sex drive on the fact he no longer finds me attractive look at the wreck I am and he'd rather jerk off.......Then he accused of shooting up cos I had a bruise and said perhaps he values his life, I already hang with people who shoot up...perhaps he does not want me giving him a disease as face it I already shag men for money and I am an 'Iv drug user' besides a prostitute...I just broke down saying I do not shoot up, he knows it I do not lie....why must he be so distrustful? If he truly is this paranoid distrusting a woman who has done nothing but love him......he needs to get a grip...I have already been ill.......to accuse me of all of that...and then blaming it on my work, the work which I did to help us both out which he has made me loathe so because it seems to have turned a man who was once a kind and loving boyfriend into a....I need not say the word.

But to accuse me of doing this I don't do... not only shagging his mates or wanting to do so behind his back, now shooting up.....being dishonest with money, all the things he accuses me of...the man aint well I know that...but he doesn't have to project this on me. He doesn't have to make me plead, beg for mercy, all this has got so sick.....I would not have gone home with him, I know him by now I could see the mood he was in...I was just afraid of his thug who he fell out with showing up and taking things out on his property.......it is under control now but that was uncertain the other night...so I went home with my man to feel safe..and got abuse...he swallowed three valium left me with just one...he slept sound while I woke i bits, did some writing so then to occupy myself cleaned his lounge as well as the kitchen..which he said was the agreement for him letting me stay over...I was greeted that morning by the man who had slept all the previous day in my bed while I took strangers into my lounge for his benefit as much as mine...not by a kiss but by get up you lazy bitch tidy my room you are lazy this is why you never go anywhere in your miserable life...to which I responded abuse does not help me ok I know my faults....he replied that of course but then he had 'tried to help me' he had done me a favour by going out with me in the first place.....this is not the first time he said that but plenty...to which I replied how has that helped me look at me....he replied so fucking what I was a nervous wreck when I met him still am...I said I wanted a man as an equal who I thought truly liked me, not because he thought himself doing me a favour, helping me by some act of mercy going out with me....if that was his attitude I'd have done better without his 'help', so spare me such help I want an equal goddam! His example of trying to help me was encourage me to do my writing...I need no encouragement..ok so he had this ghost writing idea, a life story or several of his mates...and it came to nothing anyway! So...what? I have written before...and I pointed I still am I have this blog to which he sneered what is productive about my 'stupid coke tart blog'....hey hey..what makes him assume what his crim mates have to say to be more importance or of worth than my story and stories, he aint even read all or most of this blog....I said people are interested, some people do follow this...he had nothing left to say, save from when I fell asleep, he likes me better that way as I shut up, awake I do 'his head in' by 'going on, and nagging him to death'...just for expressing the fact that he hurts me, his endless put downs hurt me, his words hurt me.....and then it turns physical, he kept saying if I did not shut the hell up he would shut me up through force.....

This is the only place I have, I am sorry hon. You don't like me talking to anyone, you know I have few friends left....I love you to bits but I can't take this forever, you were maybe right in distancing yourself..perhaps better to be alone and cold than tolerate this level of abuse. Sisters, if there is a man in your life...don't be a sex worker. It will put you at risk from abuse, it is possible to turn any man, however loving he can be...into a brutal p***p. Especially if he has streaks of misogyny and greed, as I knew my man did. I was a fool for agreeing to this work...nay, suggesting it even, he did not force me....stupid me wanting easy money. I shoulda known....it would bring this out in him. Men do have trouble dealing with what I have done for living, even the kindest men. And my man is a good sort really I swear...he is just emotionally immature with greed, mental health issues addiction etc....to sum it up he is a disturbed man and I feel for him, but I have to feel for myself as well at the end of the day, however much I understand him.

I told him that today, that I will not pay ANY price for having a man around. If he associates with violent psychos it is his problem, I warned him against it, pleaded with him not to have anything to do with the jerk who tried threatened to stab him.....please I said. He knows that now, he seemed to understand....as I had texted said I had seriously thought of going away for a little while...and I had. My patience won't last forever, however long suffering I may be....I have been reduced low enough, it took all my strength to pull myself together to do what I had to do today...so spare me. I am as ill as him....I don't use him as a punchbag. Please may he stop taking it out on me...and as I said maybe his withdrawing himself when he feels in a bad state....was showing me kindness. I have now seen the man at what I believe was his worse.....and it hurt me. I let him know that...I just wish it had stopped him from asking me about money....it didn't. Don't let greed take his soul, please. I know he is hard up...but so I am I. He has no idea what I go through to get that money for his cold little pimp heart...and ok he may not directly ask for a cut but he still benefits...help me stop the work that has killed your love for me then, or seemed to. Love is more important to me, love, friendship, affection respect etc. Don't do this to me...one minute say to stop (without support or help to get back on my feet) then the next say to me to go on, and offer me to 'help' my situation....to help me get more work to obtain more money so you will gain, please man sort it out....

Meanwhile I must shoot off soon been here long enough damn my computer! All goes wrong at once and I need to earn....again, I have put off too long......but it is hard for me now. I see what it has done to my life, it is not the work but what is does to my personal life...I never used to hate being a sex worker at first...and on a good week or after a good day...he seems to lighten as well. He only gets like this when nobody is gaining enough...sad I am reduced to paying a man for his affection, warm spirits...but it seems that is all that moves him these days, just sad to feel I have become nothing more than this to him, a money object....and I have let myself become so. Hence the shame I feel, a shame which he is only too prone to encourage...

I shall catch up tomorrow when I can...this post was intended to let you know I am still alive...and I have gone on longer than I intended. You can imagine this will not make him happy...but I am tired of accused of being selfish, never thinking enough of him...when the truth is he occupies my mind all the time......but I cannot win...if I tell him this I am being selfish still and not showing him true compassion because I am thinking of my own needs (I.e wanting him around for affection, company, sex whatever) but not of his genuine ones...I am not being enough of martyr......failing the test. I seriously thought of going away today....to a place where nobody knows where. I texted him to say this, that it was getting so hard, I was agonising what to do etc....cannot believe he still asked me how I did last night re money (it had been shit) but that is how he can be....I am aware. It just breaks my heart when I think of the times when he was not like this....but I have come to the point where I know there is only so much I can take.....and that I have my limits. Perhaps if it does come to that point...perhaps then he may remember. The tragedy is it may be too late then.

Sorry for rambling...will catch up on your blogs tomorrow. And write more of my own, hope I get my stupid pc lead fixed in that stupid shop.....

Wish me luck tonight, catch up soon. I still feel ill.....of course I feel for him, what a nightmare to have your man ring you to hear some mad man in the background threaten to kill him, while he has a weapon, to hear his voice shake in fear while I heard his sicko mate say he'd a kill him, a long sharp blade there....for a dispute over money. Is it any wonder I am a nervous wreck....and I had this man terrorise me before, when I put up his girlfriend as I felt for her. I saw him pull a knife on her, and he threatened me. My man was so deluded he apologised for this psycho then...convinced me or tried to that this jerk had a heart, was a nice man just fucked up etc......you might say that this sounds familiar, perhaps the excuses he makes for his pals (til they turn on him)...on the other hand I like to think I know him better to know he does still have a heart....unlike his former friend and associate who I knew was bad news....I could've done without what happened this weekend, being hit as I was (my face still being sore) and being threatened to be hit again, him saying to me that I and his psycho mate are the same...because we both like cocaine? Give me a fucking break...like Hitler was vegetarian etc, guilt by association....and my bloody man does not like cocaine? He uses more of it than me, when we met I was shocked by the size of his habit....spare me hon. Not all are out to stitch you...yet you trusted that sick man more than you did me. Is it because he is a man? Is your misogyny that deep? I know you are oh so more willing to make allowances for men than women, your harshness on the 'weaker sex' I've heard so much...but I don'r deserve it all, all this projection dumping of your issues. If I must earn how I do make it easier not harder....spare me....please.

Catch up you guys tomorrow, thx for your support in reading, it does keep me going xxxx

Saturday, 24 April 2010

Tonite

A few points...I looked back at some of my last few posts and will delete a few of them...they make me cringe.

Meanwhile I have a plan. I will earn in the week only or Sunday eve to Thurs, keep the weekends free or give myself a night in the pub on Wednesdays. I did this shit in the beginning because I like to be a social person, if I wished to be a self pitying retreat I'd get some bags of smack and just gouch over a book every night, has been the case in some stages of my life, but not now. That shit put me through hell too, and I never even quite saw heaven with it....at least I can say the good times with this have been worth a bit of darkness....I shall stop complaining about problems that result from drug use, get my act together and stop wallowing in depression and despair.....I just hate loneliness is all. I wish somebody would not deny their was anything mutual about this....a bit like a guy who leaves someone traumatised after a mutual decision for her to have an abortion and says it was 'her choice'. Prolonging this pain for a few extra nights smashed each week aint worth it....I'll have to grin and bear it, then reward myself while keeping some money aside so as to get the hell out of this job as soon as. It hasn't worked. Perhaps if I had been alone, with no attachment to anyone, if a shag to me always felt cold, empty...but it hasn't.

Had I knew this would be the result....I would not have consented to it. Perhaps I should have saw it as a possibility...but it perhaps was not a rational decision, it was a dumb one due to wanting quick money for drugs. I could have more money, more drugs even had I not been an idiot to do that. And please nobody say I am the only idiot, the only 'low life', 'scumbag'....and a sore face on top.

Somebody nearly got stabbed last night by one of his psycho buddies...this guy knows where I live, he has been here.....fortunately I am not alone here at present and I don't want to be...they don't know I am writing this though.....ok so nearly being stabbed by a madman...but I told him that guy was bad news, he would not listen...more to the point I keep saying avoid violent madmen full stop....

Save for being called names I got a punch in the face (from a man who is rarely violent himself), shows what hanging out with those guys does.......verbally he can be a nightmare but only rarely can be physical, today was one of only a couple of incidents......if I want the man to stick around I must be careful what I say...but how careful must I be? To the extent of denying I have feelings so as to focus on his, give him sympathy while it seems he has none for me....if he wants to use this computer this and some of the other posts will be deleted...I don't want to upset him. Please wish me luck tonight....feeling so low that I am thankful anyone around now....and hating the fact that I am starting to look like a caricature, a stereotype, normally my nose only bleeds from what I put up it....I don't want to analyse, make excuses. He hit me, he was wrong, and yes to take it out on me was a cowardly thing to do..but then to be terrorised by some weapon wielding 6ft pyscho.....can't be so great either. It's over....I just hope he has the sense not to see that madman again, cos if this continues the rotten pair of us could come to untimely ends...even at the hands of seperate individuals. He has to learn as much as I've learnt...

Friday, 23 April 2010

Despair...

Hatred...I should not be grovelling. I put that guy off til....midday tomorrow. I can't face it, really, maybe I should get someone pick me up cos of course there is no work...look at me pls it is harder each day...him tell me 'get out of it' like he had nothing to do with the idea..... fuck it I am in bits....and I got nothing tonight cos I couldn't get it, not face it.....

I would not have suggested or agreed to this had I known...I stopped the video chat thing partly because he lived with me at the time and it was 'doing his head in' like this now 'does his head in'..........well, the agreement was I would see nobody alone here he'd be here...the agreement was not I would risk my life strangers here alone...I'd not have done....he has to see, he can't leave me alone in this hell he helped me create....and then makes me emotionally dependent, clingy etc begging to take the pain away....

No, had it not fucked up with a break in things tonight...I would have fucking coped had he been less mean spirited how many times have I helped him fuck it.....good God. This has all gone wrong why I never been the same since that incident the other week...perhaps it exposed something. I can bear the coldness no more...god save me. May someone have mercy, please, please......I can take this no more.

Jerks....

Well, thanks to the pitilessness of men I aint fucking earnt. This sleazebag came earlier and he had asked me twice on the phone my prices....I told him both times. He turned up......asked me again the prices...I told him a third time i.e care to pay? He said could he look I said if he paid me then we could relax...I give nothing for free. He then said oh I am a money person I said of course I am making a living here. I could see the hatred and contempt in this motherfuckers eyes.....I asked him settle up I am a very nice person he said he thought so hence why make him uneasy pukey bullshit I thought he sounded off his face......I said would he pay he asked did I smoke I said what tobacco cannabis though I knew what he meant....I bloody know when someone is wired so I said oh you mean crack he said of course and he could tell..I misled him....he travelled all this way and didnt know he was coming to see a crack whore...I nearly killed him....how did I mislead? And hell, I don't smoke that shit...the guy freaked me......this is why I can't hack it alone. The man who lived off me a few months back came he didn't seem to care just said get out of this I said how could he help me as I have helped him he said he was helping me because he gave me a bloody bag of coke at cost price (not profit) for once, I pleaded for mercy. The agreement was......I am pathetic but I thought those guys would protect me so we could support each others pathetic sad habits....as a result I aint earnt fuck all. Clear it don't matter so much to him but then he has goods I don't...I said a few things I felt and he said look in the mirror I was imagining projecting onto him insecurities....I just can't stop crying I should never have agreed to or suggested this work...hell, hell. It has made me see what some men are like, the contempt for women they hold...and I am one least easily spared....I aint cold can't cope alone...I was in bits last night as well....and he cares no more. He used to love me, really...now it feels he just wants to....I wish I knew what I'd done I never hurt him intentionally for the world...have mercy I keep begging him to...I told him the reason for my binges I listen to him...God spare me.

Getting a Grip...

I have to get a grip, I normally do keep my chin up relatively positive outlook on the mess I'm in....guess we all have our downs. I must think ok no point wallowing it, get a grip as this is the situation just bloody earn so then everyone will be happy failing to earn only makes it worse for me and everyone.....so get a grip you stupid tart......you made your bed now lie on it and be.....well, just lie there and earn, get some guys it is partly my fault the phone is dead. Survival mode now.

Shit......I guess looking at it makes me see. I'll get over this, I swear. Tomorrow I will take a walk in the damn sun try lift my spirits not lie in with the curtains closed feeling how wretched I am.....I'll get through it, I have survived worse.....

Just earn my way out of the immediate problem and all else deal with step by step...I should get something before the weekends up....and if I relax it should get better...then I can work on being myself again, playing my music, going out weekends enjoying myself.....at least I have my writing have this space, eventually I'll be able to write about something else other than this bullshit consuming me right now, this little tragi comic opera. Gotta laugh sometimes it is pathetic.....but still sad. The ability to laugh it does not mean it doesn't hurt me. I put graffiti with a biro on my arms one night...the usual names...whore, slut, bitch etc...this is a bad stage I am not always like this with my work....it has been the attitude of some men I have encountered. Which has made it harder. You gotta be cold to cope with all this to an extent, I have to face if I do this job facing that is a part I must be prepared to....and maybe I am getting too old. No wonder a lot of women (including me in the past) turn to smack to kill the damn pain of it......no fun. Any man who deludes himself we all do this because we are nymphos who just love it....aint got a fucking clue. Women like that are actually few....if I was to probe inside that cheap looking young girl in the sub position she is probably hurting....partly why I don't want to meet her boss....I have a good heart and decent guys who come over see me know that...those who actually want company that is human....the ones who want a 'retard doll to bang up every hole' are the ones I hate, but they cause me pain in a sense.......they clearly despise me but yet pay to shag me. Sad, pathetic creeps. And they think I like it.....only way I can is by dreaming I am with someone else you jerks...the man who gets something from this cos I am lonely like you...and more fucked up it seems that's why I do this.....what a sick parasitic thing that some of these guys get off on...the dom sub types etc. Games are one thing.....but hell.

No Mercy.....and that Public School Sleazebag

He's just been coming back and said don't expect any mercy he fucking has to earn so therefore I do and if he wanted to be a complete bastard he'd demand a percentage but he doesn't so he is being relatively merciful....he can afford to give no favours I said what of the times I've helped him out he said what the hell he's paid me back in goods and what of the times he has helped me out......I said I know he's having it hard I've tried to empathise and he said I've done nothing but do his head in he is sick of stress from everyone...I know where the man is and I understand. I just wish that.......bloody want my own goods, sick of having to earn like this.

I said I'll earn if he brings something more meanwhile more I owe great now I gotta earn that before keeping a penny for myself I can't believe it.......God I am a fine one to criticise anyone else...but I swore the self respect I do have is in what I don't do....

That sleazebag I didn't show up for the interview today, the one with the public school accent, it was part due to his parties leaving a bad taste in my mouth, the young cheap sub women taking it up any hole....I told my man I have self respect I am on drugs won't consent to that shit....he said well they must be. I won't sink that low, a guy just rang me asking could he fuck me up the arse I said I don't do all inclusive does not mean I do anything you want you little fucker dirtbag.

I feel frustrated and there is some level that I feel angered by women who do consent to it...get banged up any hole for money, get boob jobs just to please men to obtain more money...it is cold, sick, horrible.....Why I feel so down on this sex industry I am normal libertarian about each to their own....cos it's dark misogynistic side keeps coming to the fore....'take up any hole, hey I'm your filthy little retard doll'....it is not lack of intelligence, and maybe I am being a hypocrite cos I don't consent to anything because I really want to.....it just saddens me, adds to my pain that some women let themselves be degraded to that level....and that there is a public school educated pimp earning out of it....don't think you are any better than any bloody low rent coke pimp cos you aren't...and the sleazeball probably doesn't have a habit even....if men do have habits, addictions is one thing....but if they just earn off women for the sake of, get rich off the suffering of cheap young crack/coke whores....that is just sick. No wonder I don't really want to see the man....or have him earn fuck all off me.

My Motherf**ker.....

I have this feeling, even if a guy is being a mf he is my mf, what I say don't always look good....but why is it physically as well as mentally painful to me if other people call him names or tell me I should get out in less than polite words....I feel annoyed if they fail to show sensitivity..because it aint easy if you do love someone but he has been a jerk and helped you drive yourself to despair...I used to say I would write no more posts all about him, I hoped as we had a kind of agreement thing's get better....just that I can't live this kind of way alone earning like this and could he just be there please make sure I aint hurt I'll always see him alright if he needs....perhaps some boundaries need to be laid down.....

Tonite

Please, wish me luck for tonite I have to bloody earn no matter how I feel about what I have to do to earn....I just wish somebody would be more forgiving....

I can get through this...I can, I am stronger and I am fighting against letting it consume me...I did a bad job today, forgot to do things as I was so gutted last night, trying to find the right word to text someone who had been silent, which they know is a killer....and my words failed me.....I say sorry for everything, eggshells break easily....this wasn't always like this. Memories of my positive feelings for the future last year....perhaps it still can be. Perhaps one day soon I can go out again and enjoy myself weekends like I used to. I'll see the damn doctor, tell him the stupid pills he gave me last time made me feel worse and not better, and unless I get something that works a person as sick as I feel at present will only continue to risk my life each day to self medicate the way I am and continue this spiral. If it doesn't work I'll climb up eventually....

Is it too late to repair a lot of the damage? I became an embodiment of someone's insecurities. He transfers it all on me and him being self destructive aint enough...I need punishing too. 'I'll be your mirror' is only too true....and leaving me burning up, so to speak.....and the coldness I go through it's little wonder I am willing to sacrifice so much for something that does feel real...I hate to say but at times I feel broken, truly. I don't know if this is what someone wants...if not then don't leave me to it, show your human side and lay off the money thing etc. You weren't up all night in tears over me.......I can do without all this when I have to earn. I've explained, I can't earn easily when I am like this, it is self defeating even for you.......and then say ok if I can't earn simple just don't no more dust etc....is it that simple for you no it aint you've had guys threaten you for money you owe for that shit and who has bailed you out......I am no liability not as much as some of the idiots you know...just be nice to me please. God have mercy.

This Post Soon to be Deleted....

It's rare in the work I do that I find someone who I do click with...but I did meet this guy a few times who I did and who genuinely liked me...why do I get so tearful every time somebody gives me kind words these days? Not that I am not tearful easily.....perhaps it reminds me I am still alive. There is not much I can do til this bad phase passes and it will, I have to remind myself. Nothing bad lasts forever as nothing good does either....as I have learnt too well. Complacency will never be mine again.

Meanwhile, somebody....stop telling me I should get a pet - like that should compensate for a lack of human warmth. Coming especially from you of all people....all I ask is that you be fair, make this life easier not harder, I do what I can for you.....pls ease up I hate having to beg you, debase myself, plead with you to help take my pain away, and I hate the power I have let you have over me. It aint funny. What was a fucked up mistake for me the other night was a gain for you, if it had not been for that I'd have more what I want now....I am a total idiot, stupid. The sun was out today nice day but I was in tears all last night and slept in today, missed the electricity people did not do other things.....I have to keep my chin up, somehow. Pls stop punishing me, I've paid the price for my mistakes and have to live with them each day, not easy to know what I have done and continue....if only you had the foggiest of how much all this hurts......you'd let something give, at least...I'm mad at myself for not having enough to get through tonight and earn....spare me the agony. Pls never again tell me I should look in the mirror and be ashamed of who I am, don't tell me I 'have no self respect' when I do then tell me I ought to despise myself. If you truly hate yourself I feel for you, you know I feel for you anyway, but please don't insist on transferring all this.

If it is some mad power game on your part stop it.....I admit to being sub but I wasn't willing to take it this far....It is despicable I have let this happen, and it hurts me you have fallen so readily into this role...but please don't say I enjoy abuse that I set myself up for ask for it etc. What gets me now is loneliness coldness you know that is punishment enough....just spare me the other worries on top please please go easy......I am ashamed already of it, believe. Don't tell me I am lucky not to be with someone who keeps all of what is good himself and gives me total crap gear charged over the odds...and speak to me like dirt just because you got goods, ok? I get my own goods soon...

There is something I may yet write about...although it is agony for me and I've been asked not to but it is all anon. If it hadn't been killing me, if only.....

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Spare Me...

Someone spare me this....I cannot take the heartbreak. Sorry, Mary, you didn't mean to be such a cow...you contacted me, I take it back.

I have been awake in bits all night, tears, nose running, partly due to you....it is the principle how could he? It is like the heroin addict friend of mine mentioned, I shouldn't sneer or even look down...ok so nobody gives me tea but I got dissed. It aint the fucking gear it is the principle...if I did not have the games, the stupid work I could deal with...enough with a health scare why I was already crying....where is his heart why has he left me like this sick, ill, in tatters?

Motherfuck...hell.....I aint gonna mend like this, and I aint strong enough to make this alone....someone or something remind of him of the times before he so clearly hated me....if he had any feelings left for me he would be here...but how could he profit from my fucking pain oh God he knows I aint been the same since he brought that guy here how I plead with him I hate that work help me out of it....he once said he thought better of me...well...I REGRET IT NOW IT AINT WORTH THE PAIN OF EACH TIME I GET SOMEONE HERE HAVING TO FANTASISE I AM WITH A MAN WHO ONCE LOVED ME BUT NOW CLEARLY HATES ME FOR 'DEBASING MYSELF' AND HOW, HOW....WHEN I TOLD HIM WHAT I THINK OF HE WAS INSECURE ENOUGH TO THINK I WAS FANTASISING ABOUT SHAGGING HIS MATES NOT HIM...I told him his boys weren't welcome here tonight but to give me that shit.....aint I paid enough for my crimes?

I helped you so much, how could you do this? Is your own wallet your own habit that important? I love you to bits I won't go you already asked me not to write about certain things here that have already made me ill....please don't....do this to someone who loved you and still does.....no, please. I try, I say come walk on the beach with me do something normal.....I swear I gonna write about what has been tearing me apart and as you continue these games leaving me like this unable to do my work...the last post I said I'd delete remains. How could you, how, how...make it up to me, you must have known and I aint dumb...why else was I straight on the phone and why else your silence? Don't. I love you to bits, stop doing this, where is your heart? Sorry but nowhere else to write this...but hey you get a personal letter tomorrow you will know. This is not right....to do this to someone already in pain. Don't act like a brutal vicious...I don't need to say the word. You know, hon. Just do this to someone rotten who asks for it...not to me.

Bitch, Meow (The Kindness of Strangers)

Gotta get this off my chest...unlikely you read this...but you stupid bitch Mary, how could you? Take your desperation for male company and male approval elsewhere, if you are so desperate for it...and if as you said you aren't interested in mine what was all that shit about the other night? Really, why be all over him (in my fucking bedroom of all places) you who stood me up left me worried about you...you who were in bits saying you had fell out with a strange man you met who threw a beer glass at you...then stood me up for a man you met in the.....kebab shop! If you really are sick of male violence, despair, why seek it out? It is a sickness we have in common, but you knew you would make me upset. It is not that he is interested in you....but the fact you tried to make him so. Ok you go on about Jim...who is a cunt to me (and yes despises me after shagging me) how nice he is to you he clearly likes you...shame he was not around the other night. But hey Alex is free now....you admitted to my man that there is 'something in you' that feels drawn there....whatever. I appreciated you being here when I was close to a breakdown...but why you had to say those things to him, which you knew could have got me in deep shit, made references to my big mouth, you who have claimed one minute to be terrified of men, you can be such a drama queen then run back there. You said to me (looking around my messy room) don't let 'a man' referring to the one present do this to you....it is not 'a man' who has done this to me....rather men in the plural if anything. And of course the chemical enhancement damn....but then you went along to say you don't need chemicals men alone suffice...while looking at him, adressing it to him......why was I made to feel like an unwelcome dirtbag in my own bedroom? I have been here before but I did not expect this shit from you, Mary, these stupid games I thought you were my friend. Believe me, there is more to this than a man....it just hurts me that our friendship was not more important to you...than this. You know how I hurt already, you even said to him that I love him more than 'he can understand or imagine' etc, and yes you know I missed him, you knew I had had nothing real since the unwanted BJ and I needed to, as I explained in the lounge please don't stay too long he said he'll sleep on the couch if you do...then mentioning your late partners sicknesses perversions in the fall knowledge you were talking to someone with similiar problems. I got crude by saying 'do you want a threesome or something', and 'thanks, you probably exhausted him by your blabbering'....it is clear you can't handle your drink and you clearly can't handle coke either....endlessly saying sorry sorry for outstaying your welcome to the point when I said stop saying sorry....just...gooooo!

I haven't said too much to him about this as to him it would look like a stupid soap opera...no wonder they are shows for bored housewives, female viewing. I just don't want bitchiness in my life, probably why I have few female friends. The equilibrium here is delicate...if you so much love the kindness of strangers...whereas I don't, I only go with them if there is something concrete, but it seems you like to anyway...or maybe if they have a few drinks as that is what you do.....you do go out with no money then get men to buy you alcohol...it takes a bit more than that for me. I don't like getting drunk even... but if male attention is what you seek do you want my bloody job? Then rely on the kindness of strangers as at times I have to...just do me one favour, why was it impossible for you to bloody keep away from my man? You hadn't seen me for a while, that time you called me before meeting the guy in the takeaway I actually could've done with some company....if you had not met him you would've come....but clearly he was more important. But still you rang me 5am saying you were scared because you had weird phone calls, might it be Alex etc.

Jesus Christ on a damned crutch....you who say you do not like drama...gets to the point when I must agree with somebody that you do to an extent, you do thrive on it...I've seen it, I've thought he may be right.....why do you want my wretched life, why the big interest....if you don't want him as you insist you don't, please if you are only gonna hinder me and make it worse....you saw me nearly start crying as I walked into the lounge...perhaps like a spoilt kid who was having her candies taking away....but just don't go there. As you are a friend (or I thought you were) I could not tell you to fuck off....I just had to make it clear I was not happy. You accused me of a few nasty things, some rotten jealousy involving not you but another woman, raising this shit because you wanted to be his friend etc..and you know where my buttons are. When I did get upset you said 'stop being self obsessed', it aint all about me for once...but guess who it was about. That's right, him as usual. I'm not so convinced it was all about him, more to get at me...or maybe part of it was your desperation for male company, maybe it was tied in with seeing your late partner in him....God knows. I cannot analyse this forever..but you have done me wrong. I told you how I felt, what happened to me the other week felt like rape etc.....ok so certain things were said, my man is just so screwed up right now he seriously did not mean to hurt me, he just fell into that role that night because of the situation....in many men those underlying issues re mistrust of women etc are there.....do what I do for a living and it will be multiplied....so have my job if all this excites you. Bloody ache like I ache burn like I burn...then you will understand. Til that day....please just stay away from him, ok? I have precious little, you at least have your family....I haven't got kids or grandkids, so don't try to take what little I do have...please if you can't be real just keep away let me deal with things alone if I must...but then seeing as everyone else has gone he will be all I do have left...just don't make it worse. If this is what my friends do to me, getting deliberate gratification..'oh I'm lonely tonight bored know what I'll do I'll just go wind up Snow Queen make out I want to steal her man fuck with her head'....to say in front of him how you hate mind games you'd rather a man 'just hit you'...to which I somewhat agreed it does hurt more...I think you mentioned that after the tale of the fucked up couple I told you of the sex worker with the sex addict hubby...then saying things you knew could cause a row...did you want to see us argue did you want him to hit me? He didn't flip, but you know he has a temper...and you knew full well even if he didn't express it in front of you...ok so he would not hit me but you know what he can be capable of saying in temper....Perhaps I should be glad. Just why should I be thankful things did not end like that, why did you have to steal all my chances of a peaceful chilled evening for once, without any strange men with just him? Now my work is yet harder...thank you for giving me another fuck up, and yes your silence since then speaks volumes, even after I sent you a nice text to make peace. I had told you how the work had been killing me, how it had affected me and him so....you knew things were sensitive why oh why did you have to rub it in?

God knows, all I do know is that I can't analyse everyone...just I am tired of feeling so alone and this has got to stop.....I should never have started this...I could have borne it if single but it wrecking me personally like this....more than I can take. Whatever is up there does not like me and won't keep these snakes away I just want them all to go...I'd rather have nobody than friends like this....who get off on watching me cry, encouraging men to abuse me when they can't find men to abuse them.....I know you are fucked up, God forbid, but it aint my fault none of your problems are.....

Meanwhile somebody's boys are not welcome here with him. They can keep the fuck out....if he 'cannot handle' me tonight when I found a nasty thing on my side that could be fucking cancer........and he still worries about his fucking money, that his how twisted he has become, never mind a woman he once said he loved could be dead soon, who his sickness for more cash to support his fucking habit is driving to an early grave.....well Mary you sure are sick indeed if this is truly what you get off on. But pray I will be ok...I don't want to die. Does the man still have a soul would find out sooner if...